KEYS TO POWERFUL LIVING – FORGIVENESS

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.                               

— Lewis B. Smedes

Suditi was very sad these days, recently she was fired from her job. She was still blank and could not absorb what all happened. Anxiety, sadness, heaviness was all what she was experiencing from that day, there were lot of questions popping in her mind and repeatedly the things were coming as if a cycle of thoughts she could not stop. It was very unfortunate and literally she had nightmares about the series of events that happened before her exit. It was difficult to get over with the thought how few of her colleagues played game with her. Their faces were constantly revolving around and deepening her misery. Repeatedly a question was rising Why Me? Anger and melancholy were the only two things clouding her mind. And one sentence that was coming repeatedly, was “Why they did this to me, I will never forgive them”. More than the financial loss, it was the loss of her confidence, trust, and peace of mind. This is one share but all of us have similar experiences where we come across situations like breach of trust, a separation, or a loss of loved one or any tragedy or accident and we are surrounded by uncertainties and a feeling of non-forgiveness for those whom we feel are responsible for our present state. These heart-breaking incidents completely shake us just like an earthquake and leave with its devastating aftereffects, emotionally, physically, and mentally, at times financially too. The wounds they give are difficult to heal. They put us in a state where we start doubting everyone even own self. The void they create gets filled up with negativity and resentment towards others whom we feel are responsible.

The bitterness they develop linger for years and acts like a slow poison in the mind and body. These feeling of pain and heaviness are powerful enough to bring in medical conditions that may turn quiet serious or chronic and emotionally they don’t let the person move on. The void is lifelong. But the life moves on, it never stops, only the perceptions change. It is a challenge to get over with these painful feelings and memories as at any time they have the power to dominate mind with extreme sadness and pain. Despite knowing the disastrous effect of it we keep that heaviness and hurts in heart. These conflicts always put us in the mode of unhappiness, cribbing and dissatisfaction.  

But there is one way that we can heal, its FORGIVE, those whom we feel responsible for our misery. Forgiveness brings serenity to pacify the waves of disturbing emotions and the conflicts developed within. But the process of forgiving or resettling calmness’ is not as simple as it sounds. The scars remain in the minds of victim years after years. The process of healing is very slow.

It is a courageous act to assemble the scattered fragments and reconcile with the unwanted and unexpected changes. The truth is when such life shattering incidents happen, we remain in the denial mode. There is a non- acceptance of the truth, believing the reality of the unfortunate is too tough. “It cannot happen with me”, that is what one mutters. The non-acceptance is accompanied with lots of anger towards people around, and even the anger is towards Almighty too for people that are pious. With ferocity there is even a tendency of bargaining, a self- talk which is the expression of all bitterness and complaints and a blame game starts in the inner world of that person. This is toughest phase when one has to gather the inner strength and face the situation. The overpowering negative thoughts, loneliness, sadness, and disheartening feeling all rule the mind and heart. In these testing times, the loved ones and true friends strengthen and support to bear the negativity and low confidence feeling that has cropped in. They stand rock strong and helps in rebooting life. Once the life starts coming on track the phase of Acceptance comes, the start of HEALING.

In the journey of Healing, anger, frustration, sadness, anxiety, and other such emotions are the foes with whom we have to make friends. They make the journey a roller coaster ride but gradually they turn out to be the companions that help to restore positive thinking, self- esteem, confidence and a sense of hope. It is all in our hands, how sooner we want to get off with it and enter an optimistic phase of life. Forgiveness is charismatic can fill life with self -compassion, empathy and optimism. It is the point when we no longer feel ourselves in a pitiable state and empowered to look at the brighter perspective of life. Forgiving is a voluntary and a process of mental strength. But it is the only process to bring peace within oneself and to progress for a better life.  

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.                     — Mark Twain

………………IN THE MIDST OF LOVE AND CAREER

Life without love is like a tree without blossoms or fruit -Khalil Gibran

Shekhar was driving down back from office and was feeling very tired but his mind was in no mood to rest. It was constantly working and a big list of to do list was clouding his mind. All his body wanted was a quick nap and something to feed his appetite. But his mind was completely awake and full of things that he had to finish off tonight. Tomorrow he had a very important meeting which could be a milestone for his career, he was thinking and driving, suddenly the phone rang, and it was his mom calling. It was a routine call at this time, to know about his whereabouts. But today it was different for him as he was lost in his own world and a call and then his mom asking him to bring some groceries on the way, somehow flared his anxious mood and he blatantly shouted on her. At that moment, this small help for the mom appeared a big burden and he talked rudely. This was not once but happening often when he behaved like that. Increasing work pressure and his aspirations rocketing sky high were literally messing up his life and with no realisation they were gradually eroding his personal life too.

Have not this a quiet a common scenario happening once and then with our loved ones. Many a times with no awareness we act in a way that is really disappointing for our loved ones and even for us later. It’s just like that we punch them with our bag of frustration. The impression that “it’s ok” and ‘they will understand my present state’, like, “I am tense, or I am busy, or I am depressed” are they enough reasons to justify unruly behaviour. Is that so? Really not, instead, this mindset starts creating pockets of unhappiness and of distances. The more they understand and the more liberty we get to behave erratically rude and the cycle goes on. Probably it is their unconditional love and respect or any such feeling that let them to handle the mismanaged emotion of ours. Even though it’s not easy for them. Most of times we don’t bother to follow the principle of give and take, we take all emotional, physical, and may be financial help from them but in return give a behaviour that is disappointing  and non-adjusting, rather creating an account where the deposit is more of suppressed negative emotions like anger, sadness, worry, insecurity, fear etc. to name a few.

A relationship is an association of two people and just like any partnership both have their own share of part that they must manage to make the relation happy and harmonious. The relation could be with a friend, a parent, spouse or any another. Some of the relations are gifted by God and many of them we make. But to develop those relations into togetherness we need to practice the principle of give and take. The give and take are not about the materialistic transaction, but it is an exchange of love and respect. Admiring and accepting the person for his individuality and thereby the actions performed are reflection of positive feelings that we have for them is the Respect towards that person. Another very basic virtue of happiness in a relationship is an expression of affection for that person i.e., Love. It could be expressed in any form. It is not just about saying it in words, but the language of love has no barrier in its expression. It could be in the form of making the morning cup of tea for that person or giving them a surprise date or a dinner and spending some time with them. A quality time, the time just for them. It could also be in a way of about holding hand or warm hugs and appreciating truly about their support or role in your life. The high regard or adoration could be manifested in any form, it is an individual choice. But the reciprocation of their affection and support is a way to compliment their role in your life is very important. There are very few people who will hold and anchor you back in storms of life, appreciate them and tell them they are the ones. The gems of your life. Value them and make them feel it. They lend their shoulder to step you up in your success. With every new relation formed treasure the older ones more. Don’t hold yourself in giving them their share of love and respect. But surely hold yourself in puking out your emotions that may be hurting or disrespecting. They are like roots that hold you firmly and give a grounding to grow and blossom. Without them your career success could be a personal failure. The choice is yours.

“A person can survive a lot of challenges if only a person learns how to care for somebody else.”

BETWEEN the LINES

There’s always a [TRUTH]

Behind [JUST KIDDING]

A little [EMOTION]

Behind [I DON’T CARE]

A little [PAIN]

Behind [IS’S OKAY]

A little [I NEED YOU]

Behind [LEAVE ME ALONE]

And a lot of [WORDS]

Behind [THE SILENCE]

Hey !! it is s so cold in the restaurant, Swati told her friend Amit. They were out in a restaurant for a lunch date. After the lunch, Amit realised that Swati looked annoyed, though it was a long-awaited meeting a quality time they were looking forward from last few months. Amit and Swati were pals from last 7years and were now closed to deciding their togetherness socially and legally. Swati’s reaction was completely unexpected, and Amit was wondering what went wrong. This is one example but there are many such small incidents that happen in our day to day life when we really go clueless in a relation with our known and loved ones, why suddenly they stopped talking or became rude or maintaining distance…. What Went Wrong??

What went wrong situation is the by-product of the communication that happen “Between the lines”, an unsaid and unexpressed meaning, the wires may get crossed. In the above situation, Amit could not understand that Swati expected him to understand her discomfort and take some action. When she said it was cold, he couldn’t read between the lines that she was eyeing on the gesture of care from him which could be like talking to manager for temperature adjustment or bring her scarf. He caught the wrong end of the stick that annoyed her. This happen many times, a small action missed, or an implicit message may start an internal dialect in interpersonal relationship which may eventually lead to stiffening or suffocation between two people. Listening is not only hearing; it is more about observing the body language and the tone in which the message is conveyed. Reading between lines is Understanding a meaning Beyond Words, that are not made obvious or explicit. It is the culmination of all these.

Between the lines happens when message heard/acknowledged by the receiver in not what is intended by the sender. A Message is just like a packet that comes in combination of content and feelings. The content is the overt representation of message i.e., the words and the feelings are the unexpressed part of it.

Communication is a complex process, it not only contains a message but also the thoughts and feelings of the sender and receiver that gets filtered by the emotional filter of the people involved. It means that the state of mind of the person at the time of communication, also effects the way it is sent and received. Like, if a person comes home after a hectic day and is feeling irritated, and somehow talks a little rudely to his wife, (though he didn’t intend to), but on the other hand, the wife remains calm as she is able to guess from his body language and responds him in a neutral or positive way. In such situation, the room of misunderstanding or unread lines is high in what the sender intends to say and conveys. Both people filtered the message through their own channels of thoughts and feelings. The non-verbal cues like body language, tone, facial expression, volume of voice forms a larger part of a message. Any discrepancy between the content and feelings is where one skill of reading between the lines work. This is the point where unread or overread lines may result in confusion and misinterpretation.  For e.g., when a person says in low voice, “All is ok, don’t worry” it appears to be a contradicting message that can muddle the mind of the listener.

Just like a coin, that has two sides, reading between lines also has two aspects. On the brighter side, it is symbolic of the immense strength and understanding with people that share depth of emotional ties with you. Even without seeing you physically they realize probably through the modulation of voice or usage of words that something is amiss, like, the vigour in flow of words etc., can be the cues. Also, when face to face they can make out that your eyes and words fail to couple each other. For e.g., usually your mom is one person on earth, she can easily guess when you are upset, even though you haven’t verbalised anything, but there is an eternal connection where she can read the eyes.

Another example that all married people can  relate could be, a conversation between a couple, “A husband asks wife, What happened ?and she replies, Nothing, in an offended tone; reading between the lines here implies that I am too angry to tell you.” Now it is up to the husband how he interprets “Nothing” Many such similar instance happens in relationships when message is conveyed in an abstruse or an incomplete manner. The freedom to interpret it, is given to the receiver with an expectation that he /she will understand the intended meaning that has not been explicitly expressed. Confusions, misunderstandings, and rifts in relationship are the result of misinterpretation of hidden words in between the lines. At times they are also infused with sarcasm and rudeness. Many partnerships break due to expectation of but obvious. The obvious that is not outright said and deliberately left for the listener to ponder on. This dualistic approach is like creating a dent in a relationship. It is an implicit communication style that heads a slow regressive death of a relationship.

On the other hand, professionally if the communication is done in between the lines, it is considered as unethical and a malpractice. It is like a masking of real side of the organisation. Practising this approach in business transactions may result in short term benefits but can have long term implications in terms of finances and business associations. Basically, talking between the lines is like manipulation of information that should be avoided at all costs. For e.g., companies that offer lucrative discounts always mention small caption on one side *terms and conditions apply*. It is a classic example of marketing where the customer is left to interpret between the lines (missing out the key information), which majority ignores.

Communication is the very foundation for blossoming of any relationship whether professional or personal. It should be crisp and clear. Active listening and assessing every situation for underlying causes, effects and principles should be practised while communicating. Transparency in transactions gives strength to the associations involved. Unfinished lines, half answers, or one words must be kept at bay. The mere assumption of understanding the but obvious can create distances and misunderstandings. Reading between lines is a skill. Not everybody is skilled to understand it, all conspiracies and complexities in a relationship are the result of unread and overread lines, and must be discouraged.

Look between the lines. Read between the words. the most important things are left unsaid and unheard.

EMOTIONAL DISTANCING

I am happy, but sad.

I want to die, but I don’t.

I love you, but I hate you.

I am tired, but I’m not.

I’m fine, but not really.

I can’t talk to you, but I can’t not talk to you.

The day went just like that, lockdown created more havoc in Rita’s life, she and her husband conversed only when necessary or else it happened when they fight. Every passing day of lockdown was locking them more in the four walls that they created around themselves. They were under Emotional Quarantine for many years. They had no hope or made any attempt to end this emotional lockdown that they did in their life from last 10yrs. Now they partnered with their anxiety, anger, frustration and sadness.

Many couples can surely connect somewhere in the above story. There are many couple that are struggling in their marital life. They have developed a distance that has disconnected them emotionally. The feelings have dried up and communication is minimal.  This type of distance in emotions is like a slow poison that gradually suffocates both people and may lead to succumbing of the relation. These days we all are following social distancing, scare of Covid-19 has threatened the human species badly and as a prevention we are trying to be extra cautious because LIFE is important but what if the “life in the life dies”?  emotional distancing is like that only, over a period it results in dead emotions, between two individuals living togather under the same roof. The partners refrain from expressing or sharing their feelings to each other and keep themselves isolated as they experience discomfort in company of each other. Unfortunately, if no efforts are made to pacify it, the gap intensifies as both partners become more critical for each other. They may respond in a resentful way that can be expressed either verbally or non- verbally making the other feel inadequate and distressed. This cycle of negative expression keeps worsening the relationship leading to a damage beyond repair.

A marriage is not only union of two people but also a blend of two unique personalities. Wherein each partner has his/her own set of expectations, priorities, fears and insecurities. Probably their upbringing has given them their unique perspectives too. Emotional distancing crops in when a married couple fails to appreciate the individual existence and personal space of each other. They tend to overpower each other with a presumptive authority. Marriage is not a relationship but a bond. The two people not only have to partner at physical and financial level but also with their imperfection and differences. The irony is that this difference will always remain. Instead of sulking and complaining, appreciate the imperfection of your partner. Compliment the uniqueness with love and maturity.

Just like a sapling, a relationship needs nurturing. Trust, care, sharing and respect are the four essential requirements for this seedling to blossom into a beautiful plant. Like a gardener, both partner have to regularly put the four ingredients (trust, care, sharing and respect) in it to strengthen its roots and make a firm grounding. A miss in any of the ingredient can shoot it into a dry thorny bush. Like for e.g., a rose plant blossoms with its thorns, both coexist.  Similarly, in a relationship conflicts and disagreements are like thorns. These spikes will always remain, a careful and gentle handling is required. Never let them prick your relationship.  

Exchange of thoughts and feelings is a prerequisite of a relationship. Communication is like a fertiliser. Without fertiliser, plants growth gets stunted. For any relationship to flourish it is important to communicate. Lack of communication or negative communication can bring insecurity and instability in a relation. For a healthy communication the “Rule of 80-20%” should be followed. According to it, in a healthy communication, the negative or directional discussion should form only 20% of the discussion and 80% of communication should be positive or neutral between the partners. Life is too short to crib, make it beautiful for each other and don’t let your ego’s steal the splendour of your bonding.

Remove the barriers that you have created to emotionally quarantine yourself from your partner. It gives happiness to none , so take a step forward and shed the inhibitions that are holding you back from enjoying the company of your partner. In the time of social distancing, let’s redefine the brighter side ofCorona i.e., Create Opportunities and Redefine Optimism to Nurture Affection in a Relationship.

CHANGING THE PERCEPTION

“When you look at things from a different perspective your thinking begins to change but so often we see things as problems because we refuse to change our perspective.”
                                                                        – Sope Agbelusi

“The glass is half full or half empty” an often-used phrase to get an insight or understanding of someone’s thoughts. A depiction or an expression of one’s view about the world and self, i.e., a reflection of his inner world and perspective for the outer world. Every moment of life is driven by perceptions. Perception are like the epicentre for our emotions. Like the glass half full or half empty or it has scope to be filled is all individual’s way of looking at things as and when they come in life. Different people can have different perception for same thing.

This process of development of perspectives starts at very early age. The very first foundation of it is laid by the family, and gradually the society in which one live, and miscellaneous people that come in contact helps in further shaping of it. Fortunately, their knowledge gives hand on information and helps one to understand and cultivate beliefs and the structure of society. But unfortunately, they also fixate few beliefs and stereotypes that have no meaning or logic behind them in today’s time but are running in society for ages. At times the preconceived thoughts may ingrain a seed of narrow thinking that may hold one back to enjoy the beauty of every passing moment that come.

Life is like a normal curve, with its own ups and down. We are continuously exploring and, in the process, bringing in new learnings and experience. If we constrict or refrain from accepting those changes, we may miss out many opportunities that world has to offer. Life is beautiful, every day is a new day, a new blessing and a birth of new perception. The morning start of the day is like a rebirth not only of us but also our perception or perspectives. Each day comes with its own energy and vibes and our present is a present, which is a surprise. To enjoy the surprise of life, we need to evolve with every passing moments. But sadly, most of us don’t liberate the old school of thought and keep ourselves caged with it and judge our present with the past experiences. This rigidity abstains us from regenerating new outlook of life.

We need to renew our thoughts with every fleeting moment to bring happiness and peace in and around us, non-renewal of perceptions can lead to sadness, depression, anxiety or a cribbing. Broadening or Renewing Perceptions is an art.  An art that we all can learn, the art of accepting and sprouting with the changes. Change is constant and every single tick of life is unique and incomparable. Even God has also not created any time rewind machinethat means that no one can experience the same experience again. You may experience similar emotions but not same. Every sun rise brings in new meaning and hope.

A progressive approach or openness to vivid experience can bring in peace and calmness. We need to constantly readjust our frames. Nothing can be same ever; it may be similar. Let yourself outgrow from the pigeonholes and discover the joys that life has to offer. A child who has just started going to school learns so much in a day. He comes back home with his

experiential wisdom that he has gain over the day. Be mindful. Let yesterday be yesterday, a step towards a healthy mind and body.

“The moment you feel joy, the moment you laugh and change your perception, you change your immunity, your body chemistry, and your whole well-being.”
                                                                                                                     Debasish Mridha   

EXPERIENCING THE EXPERIENCE

“It was the hardest time of my life, but the best part of my journey.”
                                                                                                                              ― Ellen DeGeneres

Life a time span from childhood to old age keeps on spinning with the permutation and combination of events. They could be happy or sad, may make us angry or frustrated or we may experience any other feeling from the rainbow of emotions. It is an inevitable and continuous process, the experience from that situation or events keep on varying. No two people experience the same feeling in similar situation. We all perceive the situations differently according to our state of mind and wisdom.  Life keeps us moving to different destinations, so arrival is for sure along with a gift of new experience. For some those experiences may gear up and take their life to new heights and beautiful destination and for some it may pull them down the ladder and managing that challenge may be tough for them. The hardest reality is that movement and challenges in life go hand in hand. But the perspective in handling the events/ experience reflects our strength and is purely individual. A similar experience can raise confidence and boost self- esteem of one person and the reverse may happen for other. It may stuck him into a web of complaints or conflicts and refrain hims to see the brighter side of that DISAPPOINMENT EXPERIENCE. The disappointment experience has its own beauty. The beauty that lets us understand the phenomenon of Experiencing the experience, a different shift in life perspective. This phenomenon is equivalent to Optimism.

Optimism is all about identifying the one right thing from the adverse. Someone has rightly said that “Never let a crisis go to waste”. We are always a leg below the new events that we encounter in life. Those disappointment experience or insignificant experiences gives us a significant intrinsic wisdom. A wisdom that teaches us the importance of few things and few people in life. No matter how many stories on similar experience we have heard from other people but learning by self from one’s own experience makes us wiser, strong and smart both emotionally and mentally. Every undesired happening shifts us to a higher level of maturity. We grow and look beyond our boundaries. It may extract the best out of us and can later glorify as the most beautiful part in the journey of life.

But If we continue to crib or remain upset, scared, disturbed or fearful of such experiences we hinder our process of evolution, the growth that can empower us to emerge as a fighter in that situation. The famous mountaineer Arunima Sinha, the first female amputee to climb Mt. Everest after the horrific accident. She didn’t lose her hope. Her courage and resilience rocked her back and she became the inspiration to all of us.

Many people have rightly said that Life is synonymous to School, where we give exam first and learn the lesson later. Most of the exams that we go through in life are surprises. There is no grading for it but only Learnings provided if we try to see the bright side of it.  Those who refuse to accept the learning from life lessons, may feel dejected, depressed, demoralised and demotivated. And unfortunately, they continue to face the similar set of problems throughout till they don’t mature out of it.

Experiencing the experience give us direction and strength in life and maintains the focus towards the present goal. Every experience is a great learning experience. Many great scientist like Einstein, Newton have experienced the experience situation many a times. Einstein faced many personal challenges before becoming a renowned scientist. He was jobless for almost 2 years and had to start working as a clerk, also he gave up his first child for adoption due to lack of finances and other reasons. But in those difficult time he came out with his four research papers that changed the direction of Special Relativity in Physics and gave his famous equation. Similarly, Sir Issac Newton intellectually secluded himself for 6years after the death of his mother and communicated through very brief notes, in these years he kept himself immersed in his passion and came out with Theory of Gravity. Both the scientist emerged out with the most significant discoveries in that time frame. There many more such inspirations, they emerged strongest and best in their thin times. The different array of experiences that we come across through different life situations may be scary, frightening or depressing at surface level but there is always a hidden message to learn on the brighter side of it.  Embrace them as they can unearth the hidden potential inside us, that we never tried or even thought about. They make us think beyond the ordinary. So, never feel disheartened in challenging times. Believe in the learning process of life and trust your instincts. Discover a new SELF from every experience that we have. Be compassionate and enjoy the learnings of “Experience the experience “phenomena with a pinch of salt. `

“There is always light in the midst of the Darkness, even if it’s only a pinpoint in the distance. And when it seems as if there isn’t, it’s just an illusion. Just a lie that the Darkness wants you to believe. Break through the illusion. Remember that you’re growing through it and towards the light. You are always growing towards the light.”
       ― Millie Florence, Lydia Green Of Mulberry Glen

CUTENESS IN COMMUNICATION

“Talk is free, but the wise man chooses when to spend his words.”

                   ― Neil Gaiman, Odd and the Frost Giants

Communication the most fundamental unit of human existence. The moment we arrive on this planet we start communicating, the first cry of a child is symbolic of first message exchange, his communication with the world. Till the time language was not developed, the man in early age used sign language but communication was inherent. Communication is more than an exchange of words. It is the transaction of feelings. Like the first cry of a new-born creates a moment of joy for the parents, this cry is so comforting the one they were eagerly waiting for; the feeling of love that comes when our pet licks feet and his tail wagging in happiness waiting for the caress, or the smile that comes when by chance while cleaning the attic we happen to find an old college album refreshing the good old days, that makes us travel back to times of those memories. Ironically, without being vocal they communicate, and bond with warmth and innocence which is so pure and soothing. The cuteness is an overload in that bundle of joy or that little pup with a curly wagging tail or in nostalgic memories of good old days. All these moments and many more sweet little moments bring so much joy and happiness in our daily life.

This form of communication that is established without words is beautiful and more enduring. The words in a message play only a minuscule role in an interaction, but the way a message is expressed, the feelings imbibed in it plays a major role in any transaction of words. The non-verbal cues like the tone of voice, the body language, movement of hand and eyes reflect the depth of feelings in that message and forms more than 90% of our total communication. These non- verbal cues reflect the intent of the message conveyed. If the information presented or exchanged in an enchanting way it becomes cute. Like the brightness in the eyes of a toddler, when he learns to take his first steps, the smile so enchanting and charming. The innocence in his expressions is loaded with so much of happiness which is much more than any spoken word, or when two people in deep love exchange their feelings through their eyes. The glow on their face is so beautiful. These small gestures are more powerful than verbal communication.

Neonato
Beauty in Sparkling Eyes

A study in Harvard University also found that in any type of communication words constitute only 7% of the total conversation, the body language (like the movement of eyes and hand, the tone of voice etc.,) constitutes 93% of the total communication. The addition of positive feelings creates the vibes that make the message more meaningful and receptive. The flavour of Cuteness that is visible not only in human but can be seen in non-human creatures and even cartoons. There is an AWWWW Effect when we see something cute, a feeling that we get when we see a round fat belly and munchkin pumpkin face and cute dimples in a baby and the naughtiness in the wide sparkling eyes sketched on that chubby face; or, a soft teddy bear with brown soft furry skin gives the warmth that is so comforting to hold and feel.

dog,반려견,강아지,멍멍이,푸들,포유동물,애견미용,애견,강아지,멍멍,개,귀여운,반려견사진,귀여운강아지,새끼강아지,pet,애완동물
Unspoken Words

The cuteness that baby has or that wagging tail of the pet or any picture attracts us just like a magnet. It is a selfless emotion that is very pure and truthful and has a mesmerizing effect. That mesmerizing feeling is synonymous to cuteness. Most of the commercial advertisements that we see on television nowadays involve kids and pets. The babies and pets grab our attention in a biased way and have privileged access to our conscious awareness. Their adorable and lovable features attract people of all ages. Studies have shown that the response to cuteness is similar across cultures. The immediate attraction towards an enchanting picture of a baby stimulates our senses signals our brain thereby creating a rapid activity in it by releasing a chemical Dopamine which is also a called a Happy Hormone.  

There is a positive psychological effect when there is an endearing exchange. This effect acts like a force that shapes our behaviour for that moment and activates emotions of empathy, happiness and compassion. When the message is delivered to another person or masses in a pleasing way that has a more subtle effect. Like most people of my generation can still recall the sweet gesture of the boy in the advertisement of “Dhara Refined Oil”.

Even this approach can be adapted on a massive scale and can deeply impact in altering the ingrained thought process about their duties as a citizen. Like for e.g., developing a civic sense is the biggest issue to be addressed among masses by our Government of India. Though it is doing a commendable job in creating awareness for Clean India through Swatchta Abhiyaan, to invoke inner conscious of people if the government invest in the way of communication by painting a cute infrastructure along with that melodious music it will increase their conscientiousness and a better civic sense among masses. Even in our day to day life if we add the flavour of sweetness in communication, we will enjoy a more smooth and happy life. Cuteness in communication is also symbolic of togetherness as it helps in more healthy and better relationships. It is an antonym to loneliness and depression. Communication is an art a skill in which apart from the exchange of words we also exchange the vibes of the other person/ thing that gives more meaning to it. Like while flipping the old college album makes us remember the emotions associated with those memories; the positivity and energy it communicates bring, take us to a different level of happiness which is so unique and amazing, and no word can express that happiness. A toddler with a cute smile unknowingly brings a smile on a boring day. As such, we’ll always be drawn to cuteness whether we’re consciously looking for it or not.

If we intentionally work on the expression or adding the cuteness in our conversation, it can bring a dramatic change, most of the problems that crop in our life are due to lack of right expression in communication. More than words the underlying feeling conveys more, so we all should consciously work on our non- verbal cues in communication, as they are more powerful than spoken words.

You can talk with someone for years, every day, and still, it won’t mean as much as what you can have when you sit in front of someone, not saying a word, yet you feel that person with your heart, you feel like you have known the person for forever…. connections are made with the heart, not the tongue.”

― C. JoyBell C.

TO STOP THE MENACE OF BULLYING: LET’S UNDERSTAND IT

“People say sticks and stones may break your bones, but names can never hurt you, but that’s not true. Words can hurt. They hurt me. Things were said to me that I still haven’t forgotten.” –Demi Lovato

Amrita, 36yrs was quiet upset. From last few weeks whenever she came back home after a long day at office, she felt very tired and low in energy. While sipping a cuppa coffee at home in evening she use to review her day, and realised that since her new manager has joined things have become pretty difficult at her workplace. Manager had been very critical about her work and talks rudely, it happened often.

Raghu, 12yrs, looked depressed and sad after coming from school. On lot of prompting the mother realised that he was teased by his classmates for his short height. He gradually became anxious in moving out of home and was very reluctant in going to school.

Rama, 30yrs., was a home maker and was well settled in a joint family. She was feeling low and irritated from last few days and her husband was quite worried about it. He observed it and realised that his grandmother was not appreciative of any of her work rather pointed out some or other flaw in work. This was making her sad and declining self-confidence.

In all the above cases, Amrita, Rama and Raghu have been a target of someone’s hurting and controlling behaviour. It could be at home, office or school. We all in some time of our life have a brush with such type of behaviour. This is Bullying. One can be bullied at any stage of life irrespective of place and time.  

It is a form of aggression that is repetitive and is deliberately performed to hurt and control another person. The hurt can be physical, emotional, mental or verbal. It is not necessarily to be loud or overt. Silent bullying effectively ridicules and shames. Bullies can be parents, siblings, classmates, teachers, teammates, coaches, colleagues and bosses. Children can also bully parents.

“I found one day in school a boy of medium size ill-treating a smaller boy. I expostulated, but he replied: ‘The bigs hit me, so I hit the babies; that’s fair.’ In these words, he epitomized the history of the human race.”

Bullies are made and not born. Research has shown that if aggression in young children is not handled consistently during developing years, they are more likely to develop bullying behaviour in later life. It also states that those who bullies are at greater risk of substance abuse, have poor performance in school/ college and perceive things more in pessimistic way and prone to psychiatric illness and at times may also engage in criminal activities.

Bullying behaviour can be very damaging for the victim, at times can leave a lifelong damage in their life.

Why People Bully?

It is very important to understand the reason behind Bullying behaviour. Generally, the people that bully are the ones that are bullied by their own emotions. They pick the target for some specific reasons may be in race, sexuality, disability or anything else and try to create an image of ultra-confidence in front of the victim. They perform a shopping process to identify a weak and subdued character as their victim. For e.g. generally in families we see there are few people who are always finding faults in other’s action or behaviour or like many a times we come across people that are short tempered and gets aggressive even at a slightest disagreement. These behaviours can be categorised as bullying behaviour. Why few people are always fault finders or rude to others?

Let’s understand the psyche of a person behind the bullying behaviour, it will help to handle them in a better way. They are the people that,  

  • lack prosocial behavioural skills.
  • lack in empathy skills.
  • have their own deep insecurities.
  • have inferiority complex about something
  • have a feeling of jealousy
  • have been victim of bully themselves
  • have suppressed anger/ frustration
  • have fragile self- esteem
  • Vulnerable to slight criticism, and
  • feels weak and powerless in expressing in managing their emotions

They feel better or rewarded when they make the other person feel hurt or victimised. They show their dominance or power on those that appear to be weak or timid. They feel gratified when they see their victim depressed or anxious. Bullies exist when they have victims. Let’s not victimize ourselves. It is important to handle bullying behaviour by focussing on the effective ways to handle them,

  • Act quickly, stop the behaviour the very first time it occurs, don’t ignore
  • Stay confident and calm when a bully ridicule you.
  • Be assertive and talk in simple words without engaging any of your emotions (anger, crying, shouting etc.) in it.
  • Never exchange hostilities with the bully instead it is better to talk when iron is cold.
  • In case of a child, stay connected with him and talk without judgements.
  • Be consistent and firm in talking to bully
  • Talk it out to a friend or near dear one or may take a professional help.

Bullying is a serious problem and should be dealt intelligently else it can pose serious threat to one’s self- esteem, and confidence. If you are struggling with a bully reach out for a help don’t hesitate.

“People who repeatedly attack your confidence and self-esteem are quite aware of your potential, even if you are not.”

3 C’s FOR HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

 

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”
– Carl Jung

Human beings are social creatures. The moment we arrive on this planet we are blessed with the beautiful connections i.e., relationships. We get a set of parents, grandparents and siblings too , many a times. All these relations have a significant role in one’s life, rather they are the essence of life, as we grow, they also evolve continuously in their own unique ways. Just like our basic need of hunger and thirst, we all crave for positive social interactions that makes us feel understood and supported. Nurturing and managing relations is full of joy and challenges, it is more than being friendly. Our emotional intelligence plays a big role in management of relationships.

These days, a sharp rise in relationship issues is being observed. They have become real complex and people are feeling incompetent in handling these challenges. The graph of loneliness, depression, anxiety, anger is on peak in population. Have we ever wondered why it is happening, when the planet has become so small with the technology and the use social apps have made it even smaller, but suicide rates has increased? People have become more active in virtual world and their list of friends is huge, they are good enough to interact through gadgets but in real they are lonely and feel incompetent in handling real life situations and relations.

Management of relations is an art that require the strokes of trust, love, care, patience and adjustment. The 3C’s stated below are the key elements for a strong foundation of any relationship to bloom. They are –

  1. Communication– Exchange of words and feelings is the bridge that forms any relationship. Though we communicate the whole day, but how effectively we do it is more important. It can be through words or could be non-verbal. It could be one way or two way. But exchange and expression is very important. The lack of communication is the first stumbling block in any relationship. It can gradually ignite a healthy relationship. It is important to speak out; expecting that the other person will automatically understand your problem, is the biggest mistake we make. When your child or partner wants to talk, stop what you’re doing and listen with full attention. Give people time to express their points of view or feelings. Not all people are good with words, give them time to express. Listening to other person in a non-judgmental way is a skill, it must be practised. It gives confidence to other person that he is respected and valued, thereby strengthening the relationship. Not all communication happens in words, so it’s important to pay attention to the body language also. Without effective communication in your relationship, it simply will not survive.
  2. Compromise– We all have our own model of world, that comprise of our perceived set of thoughts and beliefs. In a relationship two personalities come with their own thoughts, opinions and experience. So, the difference of opinion is inevitable. Follow the Principle of Agree to Disagree, it brings respect and space in a relationship. Accommodation and adjustment in relationship brings secure and fruitful results. The points of disagreements should be wisely identified . If both people are heard and understood it greatly prevents the person from feeling like they’re giving in, which can build resentment and conflict overtime.
  3. Commitment– It is an assurance that an individual looks forward to in any relationship. It means putting relationship before oneself. During the tough times, outweighing your ego is expression of commitment and gives strength in a relationship. Commitment is like honouring a relationship in one’s own unique way. The secret to truly fulfilling and joyful relationship is the reflection of your commitment. Always remember the good qualities of other person in times when things are not moving in the desired direction. It helps in loosening of the bundle of ill feelings and gears up to value relations over other things.

Relationships are very precious. They should be treasured like real jewels. Continuous nurturing them with love and care brings makes the life happy and contended.  

“Never leave a true relationship for a few faults. Nobody is perfect, nobody is correct in the end affection is always greater than perfection.”

DON’T WORRY STAY HAPPY

We all are worried for small things in life but what if it becomes disproportionate. Generally we try to be too predictable for the situation/ events. The thought of uncertainty itself creates Worry. Coming across a situation which we have difficulty coping, makes us feel WORRIED.  Worry is a mix of fear and anxiety. To an extent worry is good when it prompts us to have an action plan for the problem. But if you are most of times feeling preoccupied with stress and tension and your thought process is stuck in the cycle of WHAT- IF’s , you are in grip of “Worry syndrome”. This syndrome not only affects our day to day life but literally paralyses the thought process and drains out our emotional energy. An attitude of Pessimism starts incubating. Studies have shown that constant worriers are more prone to depression, anxiety and have higher risk of developing cardiovascular diseases and may also experience psychosomatic symptoms like headaches, stomach problems, back pain, low energy etc. to name a few.

Constant worry blocks our energy to work in the right direction, it disables us to take the corrective steps to solve the problem. It exaggerates and turns a mole into mountain hill. A worried mind constantly finds something to feed that is not positive. So, it is important to understand how to give piece of mind to our worried thinking:

Create a Worry Period

“Worry is a misuse of the imagination.” Dan Zadra

Constant worry not only impacts physical health but also lower our efficiency level and many of our day to day activities. So, instead of worrying for whole day create a time period to worry. Choose a set time and place for it, for e.g. like from 7:00 to 7:20 pm in my room on the couch I will have my worry time. During this period, you can worry for anything. Any anxious thought during the daytime, coming to your mind can be penned down and considered in the Worry Period. 

  • Question your Situation

“Sometimes a situation you think of as “bad” is actually putting you on a path to the best thing that could possibly happen to you”

When you feel that you are stuck or stumbling in a situation change the angle of it. Think what is one thing that is good in that situation. Ask yourself is there a more positive and realistic way of looking at the situation? Don’t generalise the situation as negative, just reassess the situation you will realise that all things aren’t that bad they appear.

  • Take away the power

“Instead of worrying about what you cannot control, shift your energy to what you can create.” Roy T. Bennett

Any thought in our mind become strong and dominating only when we give power to it. In a day we come across around 50,000 thousand thoughts but we get stuck only on some thoughts. Happy thoughts make us feel good and happy and sad and anxious thoughts breed the same. The amount of attention that we give decides the energy of that thought (positive/ negative). Our mind is like a garden, the seed that we sow, that plant will grow, our thoughts are the seeds of mind. The thought that you will sow will grow and get the power. So, Grow the seed of positivity.

  • Train yourself to relax

“If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it’s not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.” Dalai Lama

When we are anxious or worried, the heartbeat and breathing is fast, muscles are tense, blood pressure shoots and many other symptoms appear. The opposite happens when we are relaxed. It is important to understand that after one point, worry serve no good to us, it only worsens the situation. Practise relaxation techniques as part of daily routine. Like deep breathing, meditation etc. Fix few minutes of a day for yourself when you will sit and do nothing and you will notice that gradually your wandering mind will also come at peace and this “me- time” will give tranquillity.

It is important to talk out the worries else you will be emotionally overwhelmed. But it is important to talk to someone who can guide being non-judgemental and help you gain clarity of your thoughts and situation.

-NIDHI