IS IT REALLY TRUE………

“When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself“

Rahul was seven-year-old. He was playing with his friends and was carrying a basket that had two apples. His mother lovingly asked him to share one apple with her. To her surprise, Rahul immediately started eating both the apples, biting them simultaneously. The mother was utterly shocked, embarrassed, and disappointed. Within a few moments, she was feeling heaviness and was whining in thoughts that were making her feel sadder.  Rahul was a well-mannered and empathetic child, but this behavior was very surprising and indifferent. Instantly the behavior of the child made her introspect her parenting values. She always believed and practiced teaching him values of sharing, caring, love, and respect. Today Rahul’s behavior, especially in front of his friends, forced her to think about what went a miss in her parenting. Her eyes were wet with tears. After a few minutes, suddenly, Rahul offered her one apple. The mother was lost in her thoughts and could not understand what was happening. She refused to take the apple and was a little annoyed too. Rahul in his innocence said, “I wanted to give you the best apple, this one is sweet and juicy.” Tears rolled down her eyes and gave a realization, how she could not understand the simplicity of thought behind the child’s action. She was irked by her own thoughts, immediately she hugged him and felt sorry. 

A very short story but with a deep connection in our life. Just like Rahul’s mother most of us are also conditioned to do think similarly in such conditions. The human mind processes the information faster than any supercomputer, and for them, the output is in form of judgment or opinions for someone or something. Our judgment or impressions are the by-products of thoughts that run in our minds. In day-to-day life, we quickly infer about people, situations by looking at their looks, behavior, mannerisms, etc. On the other hand, apart from this, our very own factors like the context of a situation, personal traits, past experiences, and characteristics of the person are equally involved in inferring an opinion/ judgment. For example, if we see an aged person, by default, our mind guides us to be sympathetic and respectful towards him/her, but, if that person talks rudely to us, the opinion changes. This is one instance, but we make many such judgments/ conclusions about another person without even knowing much about them. They are snap judgments that may be misguiding and can result in complex emotional states, the way Rahul’s mother had questions in mind for him and, also introspected her parenting in the blink of a few seconds. They are like mental shortcuts that we make without really giving space and time to another person for putting his perspective. These snap judgments or mental shortcuts are the projection of our perception of the outer world, which is the direct derivative of what is stored in our own inner one. Like for example if one is insecure, he may feel edgy with the people around him and may feel doubtful and tense. This behavior towards other people is a direct reflection of our own state of mind. Thoughts are literally, the king of our state of mind and they govern our actions or reactions that we give for situations or people. 

our opinions are correct
REALLY ARE THEY TRUE?

The other perspective for the same situation is that when we jump to conclusions too fast, it could be the result of our own set of expectations that we have from others. A slight deviation from expectation and we immediately reach a conclusion about the intentions of another person. On the lighter side, I think this could be said as the fuel for the grapevines or gossip circle that people love to move in., We all tend to see and perceive from the glasses of what we think and like to have, ignoring the other attributes of the situations and this is one of the basic reasons for people feeling distressed. The vicious cycle of expectations literally moves a person into believing his own assumptions and not waiting enough to find the facts.

The most important thing to understand in this nutshell is that the opinions and judgments that we form are not always true. The opinions change as spontaneously as they are formed. Like in the above story when the child explained his point, immediately the mother was overwhelmed with guilt for thinking in the way she thought. The impressions that are formed in a wink should not be considered sufficient to judge someone/something. But surely one fact is that these assumptions create a barrier around and we process things or people from those narrow gateways that lead to complex interpersonal relationships and situations. This may make us feel lonely and unfulfilled at times. 

Our judgment/ opinion to an extent guides our behavior and actions. The way we choose to respond or react to the situation is the result of the perceived impression that we have made in our minds. Taking time to understand others’ side, before jumping to any conclusion/ opinion is one of the secrets to enjoying a happy and healthy life and relationships. Let patience be the benchmark in dealing with the situations/people effectively. It not only will bring peace in our lives but will also create positive vibes for people around too.  

“ If we choose to stop judging others and start judging ourselves, and a whole new life begins”

CHOOSE TO CHOOSE

“We all need to decide whether to “play it safe” in life and worry about the downside, or instead take a chance, by being who we really are and living the life our heart desires. Which choice are you making?” – Charlie Badenhop

Last week I met one of my old friends. It was a long-awaited meeting. We used to be best of buddies. As life progressed so as the distance between us. A time came when we just knew the whereabouts of each other and had no connection. With all due thanks to social media that we were able to reconnect after two decades. I was super excited and was reminiscing the old memories of our friendship and about his qualities. He was an intellectual and confident individual. A firm self-believer, ambitious and hardworking. His personality always gave a feeling that one day he will pave his way to the highest milestone in his career. Presently he is working at a senior position in a well-known company. But when we met, I realised that he was not what I knew or remembered him. There was an exponential change in him. He had achieved big heights in his career, but I felt he had been compromising on himself in many other aspects of his personality. He was no more that energetic and vibrant personality rather he had stooped shoulders and wore a cosmetic smile. His attitude sounded too materialistic and practical. He had the best of everything in his kitty, yet something was amiss. On my prompts, he disclosed about dissatisfaction with his job. His boss was very diplomatic and not respectful to him. So, when I suggested him to opt-out, he immediately replied– my paycheques do not let me leave. I was shocked as he was a person who never compromised with his self-respect and today, he was bearing a pain that was self-inflicted. He was now a completely changed person. It took time for me to absorb this new change, but sadly it was true. He was willingly doing it.

I think it is not about my friend, but we come across many such people who are always grumpy or frowning for the situation, people, and things in their lives, yet they stick to it. There is lack of quotient of happiness in their life. Despite of best of everything, still they are unhappy and may feel trapped. Their solace lies in complaining and not really doing much about it. Meeting my friend on that day gave me the realisation that it is the choice that one makes by self. Probably our circumstances or situations are not in our hands but how we choose to act on it is our own decision. It is about how we choose to choose in our life. Even an expectation from someone is also a choice. Most of the times the reason for pain in our life is a set of expectations from others. And when it is not met the reaction or response to it is also our choice. When we look forward to someone for help and sympathy, it is also a choice to put oneself vulnerable to others sponge or be strong enough to stand for self. A decision whether to create a void and further deepen it or to plant seeds of beautiful flowers… Our whole life is based on choices. We make choices at every moment in our life, and every “NOW” moment is the result of our preferences, it is a prerequisite of the life.

Choices Stock Illustrations – 10,046 Choices Stock Illustrations, Vectors & Clipart - Dreamstime

The choices that we make in our life deeply influences our state of mind. When we choose to move with the way life comes and refuse to change, we succumb to the circumstances. On the other hand, if we wish to create the changes, we need to initiate it. Change means an intentional and systematic move of charting out the unknown paths. A transformation that will uncover a new side of one’s personality. But the precondition to it is the willingness to explore it. Mending and Bending paths in one’s own way are not easy. Introspection, Efforts, Patience, and Courage are the steps towards it. As there is no surety that things will click in the first attempt. One must be consistent with time and focus. Before we become imprisoned and miserable for the wrong choices, free yourself and have guts to pave your own way and walk, let your confidence brighten your personality. Be prepared for the struggles and the lows that will come along. Unlike my friend who preferred his paycheques to his self-esteem. His fear of losing his cheques and the current lifestyle made him surrender to the circumstances, and unknowingly he made himself vulnerable to many more problems.

Choosing to choose works on shifting the mindset that will gradually mould life in a way that you want to live for yourself and not falling prey to the circumstances. Our preferences define the future that we want to make for ourselves. If we research the lives of great people, they have chosen the path that was never made instead they made their own ways. It must have been a tough journey for them, but it gave them the experiences that were precious and treasured by generations. A thought to unearth and review and readjust the focal point of the situations needs courage and conviction. So, it is a call to opt: whether to flow with the flow of life or to redirect the flow in one’s own way.

I demolish my bridges behind me, then there is no choice but forward – Fridtjof Nansen

IT’S OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY: POSITIVE TOXICITY

 

“All will be fine, don’t worry”

“Come on don’t be sad, you are brave”

“See the brighter side, ignore the rest”

“It could be worse, look for the silver lining”

Have you ever come across with these statements? I am sure we all had heard them sometime in our life. Our loved ones and elders must have spoken to us when we underwent a painful emotional or physical experience. Surely, their good intentions are to console and help us out in our testing times. Out of concern and care, they try to guide and sympathise us selflessly holding our hand. They want us to calm down and make us think of the right things in the disguised situations; the things that may have happened for good and probably to save us from the worst. They share their similar experiences and advice, and maybe that’s their way of expressing affection and making us resilient. Surely it is a blessing when our loved ones stand behind us in our thin times, but in those moments, there is a hurricane of emotions going inside that will take time to settle down. Seldom they realise how important it is to give a vent to that emotional upheaval.  

Like recently one of my friends in the pandemic got a pink slip, which was very shocking and disappointing. He was too upset and when he shared the news with his parents, his father immediately said, “it’s ok son, all happens for a reason; don’t worry and look for other better opportunities”. His father was an optimist and offered him that perspective which was well appreciated. But Anil was feeling dismayed and angry and required that space and time to absorb the news. His parent’s perspective literally made him cage his sadness and insecurity. It was a difficult phase of his life and he wanted some time to understand how and why it happened and how he was feeling. However, now it was a struggle both at personal and professional fronts. He was without a job and could not express how sad, disgusted, and anxious, he was. The painful smile and positivity that he was trying to keep was a mask to hide his insecurities, anxiety, and fears.

The pain and uneasiness that sets in immediately after a tricky time, requires time to settle down. There is a lookout for validation. But we create a fake public persona for the world that is brave and more acceptable. That cheeky smile hides “all that is not fine and its taking time to process that feeling and understand the blessing in that pain”. But we choose to ignore the truth.  

Sadly, when we judge our own emotions as good or bad and do not express, `they get buried in our bodies and eventually gets displaced with other passive behaviour or may result in body syndromes.

It is crucial to managing the emotional hiccups, instead of suppressing them. But nowadays “Be Positive” has become the mantra of a happy and healthy life. Even children are also taught to chant it when stuck in an emotionally challenging situation. Hardly they are ever given a choice to vent out. This conditioning of staying positive reinforces the mind to stay assertive and not lose heart when feeling trapped in complex situations. Undoubtedly, it is a life skill that we all need to adopt and practise. But to adopt it inherently, embracing, and respecting ones’ emotion is utmost. Faking out the unfelt emotions may be helpful in creating a social image, but it can be taxing for mental health. The chaos of feelings at that moment needs to be sorted out, maybe by opening oneself to someone close. A person that is a confidante.  An impartial person that can shoulder the heaviness of our heart. It is important to accept and verbalise the painful emotions, else they hurt us more. It’s ok to feel what we feel at the time or in a situation.

The rise and fall of tides of painful emotions strike on self-esteem. If it is rock strong nothing seems to effect means the acceptance of self in all forms heals, and make things easy to handle. The honest acceptance of felt emotions with time gives more clarity of thoughts and wiser steps. It is not necessary to carry the feeling of optimism till the time you really don’t feel it by yourself. It is part of human existence to experience negative emotions like pain, sadness, worry, anger, fear. The expression of it is a normal phenomenon and one should not shy away. Forced optimism and positivity can be overwhelmingly toxic.

Toxic Positivity: Why Positive Vibes are Ruining You

The painful negative emotions also need self-validation and an ear to hear.

However, why most of us often discount our own feelings and brush them aside. Why we refrain ourselves from expressing it? Is the fear of being judged grips our mind and we evaluate our strengths with those parameters, or there is a denial of our own real emotions? It could be any of the above. But I feel, both are interrelated. The gripping fear of being judged by others may result in denial of felt emotions. Denial is the reflection of non-acceptance of one’s own emotions in that situation. For example, a thought like  “how can I behave like this; or, it is bad on my part I shouldn’t have spoken in this manner; or, they will think I can’t handle it, or, how can I cry like a baby ”etc may occur. All these statements describe the fear and denial of the true self. When we fail to acknowledge our own feelings and contradicts them. The fake smile and exaggerated positivity are used to hide the inner conflict and pain.  

Here, the point to think is that till how long can we sustain this fake positivity, or, sugar coat the emotions that are not real. Displacing the emotions of pain and hurt with a smile or optimism may eventually trap us in a vicious cycle of burying the real self. The trap of suppression that may dig deeper seeds of pain, guilt, anger, frustration, or any other negative emotion. The seeds that can later manifest into depression, anxiety or other psychosomatic illnesses like migraine, chronic backache, insomnia etc. The body creates its own defence mechanisms to shield those emotions.

Embracing and honouring our self brings in peace and serenity. It is the doorway to confident and robust emotional health. Let’s not use the phrase “Be Positive” as a superficial reinforcer instead let it be a real feeling that can only come with the acceptance of our emotions and not by intoxicating ourself by posing out the happiness that is shallow. The more we deny, the emptier we feel, and it further worsens the situation.

In long run, it is always good to look out for “a silver lining in the dark clouds”. But on the other hand, it is equally important to admit the feelings that you feel. It is important to first get comfortable with one’s own skin and gradually mould oneself in a new frame of thoughts. We should give ourselves time to comprehend the self-talk that goes inside. The bombardment of advice and others perspective and experiences may lead to positive toxicity that may exacerbate the rising tide of negative emotions.

So, let us start accepting what we feel and not pretend what we don’t. Let’s not shield or mask our feelings with overexaggerated happy and cheerfulness, instead give ourselves a time to absorb the true emotions…… to make it POSITIVE in real sense.

Unfurl Your Wings

The bird is powered by its own life and by its motivation.  ”   -A. P. J. Abdul Kalam

It was a hectic and tiring day. After signing off from my work finally, it was a “Me” time with a mug of ginger tea. The most awaited time of the day when for a few moments, I prefer to distance myself from inundation of worldly ties. Just like me, Sun was also retiring from its day-long job and moving out for its new destination. The shades of orange and yellow merging with a white and blue sheet of the sky were evidence of its moving away for its new terminus. Our mother nature through Sunset in its exemplary way tells us to wind up with our daily chores and relax and chill out until next day. To an extent we all agree with the law of nature, that’s why roads in the evening are congested with traffic and deafening honking of vehicles is a common scenario ; and it’s not about humans even to my surprise the sky was also jampacked with all birds flying back to their shelters. On that day, I realised that these beautiful tiny creatures also have a tough time. God has made all of us in such a way that for survival on this planet we all have to work to feed ourselves. Nothing comes easy or it is rightly said by a wise man, “There are No Free Lunches”.

SUNSET AND BIRDS

Those small tiny creatures work relentlessly throughout the day. The supreme power of nature has equipped all of us in a way that we can withstand all the challenges and face the hardships and I think birds are the perfect example to learn from. In their ways, they teach us so many things. The hard work, patience, and perseverance they exhibit are amazing. Building one’s own house is a lifetime achievement and it factually drains out a person in all aspects whether its financial, emotional, mental, or physical. But when the little birds build its nest, it is chirpy and sing while making it. In its little beak, it collects the straw and grass from different places and weaves it artistically. Building a shelter is a big task for those little souls too, and it takes considerable time and hard work. But their dedication and vision towards the goal are remarkable. They sing and build until it is done. They never give up. Also, the one more important quality or learning from them is the patience and calmness they exhibit in the difficult times when their nest gets destroyed due to human activity or natural disaster. Though it hurts to start things from scratch, they maintain their composure and work again on rebuilding it. Unlike humans, they do not dwell on the problems or create a mountain out of a molehill. Instead, they work on a solution-oriented approach. They accept the reality and engage themselves in reconstructing from the scratch with the same vigour and strength.  Learning for all of us, do not give up even if life hurts us again and again.

God has been kind; He blessed all living beings in his distinctive ways. I sincerely believe that human birth is his best creation. He made us in such a way that we can learn new things and can acquire skills to create new things. But rarely we appreciate the distinctiveness; instead, we prefer to look on the things that we do not possess and feel inferior. He gave wings to birds. For them, they are an asset. They treasure them for the freedom and confidence it gives and completely trust their extensions and use it as their strength. Never they have a second thought in their abilities or any complex. They do not fear the fall. They take time to think and flap their wings hard before flying but never at any time let their self-confidence dip. Their courage and trust in their skills help them find a new branch for themselves. They eventually develop the habit of adapting to changing environment and never get stuck thereby teaching us the lesson of believing in self. Trusting their abilities and and not getting disillusioned with emotions is the only saviour in tough times. The time when we feel betrayed or have failed dreams and unfulfilled broken promises, our Self Confidence helps; it is the only wand that can help us to face the scarred situations. In the crossroads of life we need to realize that hard times do not last but our confidence does. Someone has rightly said when you think it is the time to give up, that is the time when the real work begins. Life is constituent of rising and fall. The rise is always appreciated but underneath, the truth is, that every fall made a stair for our rise.

Birds on wires over blue sky background. Wild birds on wire
FAMILY TIME

Another amazing thing that caught my attention of these winged creatures was their flock. They always surround themselves in the company of each other. They start the day together and stay connected throughout. They move like a big family that disperse together in the morning and never miss out the family mealtime. Also, they keep a vigil of each other and remain alert for any help if required. When they reunite, the sound of their chirp is deafening but they are all to themselves and enjoying each others company. It appears as if they give space and freedom to each other to talk with no inhibitions. They seek strength and sustenance from their friends and family by staying around and close. While, on the other hand, we human have with time acquired the skill of judging each other, ignorance and avoidance have become a new trend in human ideology; virtual world has become a new friend for all age groups and the real connections are a miss. Love, respect, compassion has got replaced with ego, jealousy, and ulterior motives. Sadly, we have become loners in our own homes. Can we refresh our mindset and think of reviving them back?

There are endless qualities and things to learn and adopt from these tiny creatures. But their discipline or their concept of time without wearing a hand watch is surprising. For example, a rooster always starts its day on time and with a very positive note. His voice of ‘cock a doodle’ do is full of energy and throughout his life span, it remains like that. The habit of rising early and waking others too also never changes. Even biologically our body is also set in that way but unfortunately we are moulding ourself in a declining curve by adopting the sedentary life. A lifestyle that is making us vulnerable to many physical ailments. We may be good organisers and disciplinarian at our professional level, but we fail to devote that time and positivity to our health and take it for granted. Some of us may be good cheerleaders but sadly lack the skill of cheering up our self. We now completely ignore the relevance of the poem that we were taught in kindergarten “Early to bed…………………makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise”. Is it really difficult for us to make those little changes that can do wonders with our wellbeing?

While penning my thoughts, I realised that one mindful observation helped me notice so much positivity around and diving a little deep there is an enormous pool of small things that bring happiness that is eternal. The small wings are just one jewel of Almighty’s creation. They are the symbol of love, hope and tenacity. Let’s start learning and take some small life lessons from the little fliers……… 

” Life is like a bird, so don’t waste the time, fly each and every moment”

– Freedom Fred

UNPUZZLE THE RELATIONSHIP WITH EXTENDED FAMILY

“Every relationship has a hard part at the beginning. This is our hard part. It’s not like a puzzle piece where there’s an instant fit. With relationships you have to shape the pieces on each end before they go perfectly together.”

                                                                                                                    – David Levithan

Amrita and Neera were very close friends. They had been together ever since they started their school. Both also got married in the span of a month. They were meeting for the first time after their marriage. Amrita was cheerful and blushing while Neera looked frown and irritated. They had different experiences to share, though both were facing similar challenges but Amrita was trying and managing the hiccups and was happy with it, on the other hand, Neera felt that her life is now full of thorns and all roses have been shed. She was disappointed and angry with herself and her family. It was almost four months of marriage, but she could not find a single breather for herself in the new family. She was in constant tussle. In the process, her health and mental peace were affected. Most of the times she felt low in energy and that was affecting her relationship with the spouse as well. She was puzzled and under a constant turmoil about her new relations in the extended family. The point to ponder is why the new associations after the marriage start loosening even before they are grounded?? What goes a miss??

We all understand that life is synonymous to relations and relations to expectations. The expectations that we keep for each other in said and unsaid words. When an association happens, the families involved together undergo a transition. A transition that will not only rope in new addition/member in the family but also the new thoughts, values, culture, and ideas. It is about the association of two individual entities as well as the union of two families. The mindset of two families joining hands in hands. The changes are bound to come. Both the family and the new addition (member) sail in the same boat. Though, it is equally tough for both the sides to understand and adapt to the changes that come with the new member/family. It is just like learning to solve a rubric cube puzzle. Learning to unpuzzle takes time. We must let go off many inhibitions and barriers. Somehow, we all are reluctant to the changes that come on the way and keep ourselves intrigued with the past or making comparisons. We need to realise that for creating our own space we need to invest, in terms of time and open ourselves to different perspectives. However, we tend to stick to our narrow approach and follow a mindset, i.e., expecting the desired results and, absence of it results in disappointment and friction right in the start. Thereby making our relations complex where we refuse to revisit our own thought process and resist change. The change that may not be comforting, and may deter us to appreciate the other side. Gradually, weaving a web around and making it trickier to understand and handle the relationships.

The refusal to accept the changes results in conflicts and hinders us from looking to the brighter side of the change. The non- acceptance not only inflict self- hurt but also affects the people around. We lose peace of mind in trying to gain some joys; the joys that are defined from the perception that we hold, the expectations that we carry. But we forget that it is reciprocal, the feelings and emotions are similar on both sides.

Bowl with fruit and salad Free Vector
We are a family

Balancing relations in the extended family is like balancing on a rope, your spouse in the middle and you on one side and on the other side is his/her extended family. On the humorous side, we can also consider that extended family is like a delicacy of mix vegetable with all members symbolising different vegetables with their own unique and distinct flavour and yet important in the recipe. Similarly, all the members are important in a family with their own identity and approach towards their life and relationships. It is just about mixing together and making it yummy with spices of emotions and feelings…… So it means, your spouse, you and the families have to mix together to get a new flavour or its like setting a vision for new goals in relationship to make happy and healthy time for all in most of the times. But somehow when aroma of one spice dominates, problems may arise. It takes a balanced mix of spices to generate the needed fervour in a delicacy, similarly for relationship to thrive it is critical to give space to every point of view of all family members. The restriction in the vision from both ends mounts up the anxiety and insecurities leading to differences. The barriers obstruct the transparency, and our actions start reflecting our thought process.

So, it is important to look out for the vision that we set in a relationship. The vision will automatically mould our actions. The actions that may deter or strengthen a relationship. The vision that will bring happiness or disappointments. Let us check on our vision for a relationship first!!!

“Relationship is about two things: First appreciating the similarities and second, respecting the differences”

http://motivationandheealing.home.blog/2020/03/03/changing-the-perception/

Let’s Manage Emotions Mindfully

What would it be like if I could accept life – accept this moment – exactly as it is?

                                                                                                              -Tara Brach

Mindfulness, one of the most used terms in today’s time, we often hear, read, and share about being mindful. But the question is how many of us really understand it or use this beautiful technique? How much we know about the benefits of it? and, How and where to use it in day to day life? You will be surprised to know, that unknowingly we do many things mindfully. Like for e.g., when watching our favourite television show all our attention is focused on that drama and nothing seems to affect, we can feel every emotion of the character in it. Cheers!! we were mindfully watching it. Let us take another example when kids play their favourite video game and most of the times they are so much engrossed in it that they are completely unaware of background sounds like the ringing of doorbell or parents calling them, then it means they were mindfully playing it. These are all small examples from our daily life of being mindful. The time when we are doing our favourite things/job we are so much focused on it that all our awareness and energies are invested in it. Mindfulness means that only, paying full attention to the existing moment. Fortunately, we all possess this quality naturally and can use it in anywhere and everywhere and at any time. Mindfulness is an awareness of where we are in thoughts and emotions and not judging them or being overly reactive or overwhelmed by them.

Whenever we bring our awareness to what we are directly experiencing through our senses, and through our state of mind (via our thoughts and emotions), we are being mindful. Mindfulness if practised, is like a magic wand that can help us enjoy the real pleasure of life even in the tiniest of things right from drinking water to brushing, walking etc. In the fast pace life, we now rarely notice the things around and the pleasure that small moments can give. But being Mindful not only helps us to regain back that small happiness but also brings stability when it comes to emotions. In my previous blogs, I shared that we usually feel very fragile when faced with tough situations in life. But handling emotions mindfully can bring in calmness and resilience.

Mindfulness is so powerful that it can help regulate our emotions and help us gain clarity when we are feeling chaotic in mind. Recently I read an article on emotions. It explained emotions as a storm. It beautifully explained the cycle of the storm that lasts for a short period, but it literally shakes everything that comes in its way before it settles down. It waivers everything that comes on its way many trees fall but there are many that stand straight and are tightly ingrained and don’t let the storm overpower them. Similarly, emotions are also like a storm, short-lived but have the potential to damage many things in the process. It brings everything upside down and makes us vulnerable draining out all our strength. Even the strong trees also loose out their branches still they remain calm. Likewise, when we are amid a storm of intense emotions, we too waiver and feel helpless. The ones that succumb feel anxious or depressed or may turn themselves into a fault-finding mode or may indulge in bad habits or may take a drastic step. But people that stand firm and straight are the ones that can manage their emotions and not being controlled by the emotions. In the process, they also feel challenged and threatened, just like a tree shed its branches and leaves, they also shed their fear, denials, and inhibitions to bring in the management of emotions.  Also, there are times when it seems that the tree will collapse in that hard-hit storm signifies that the situation in which we are trapped may overpower and break us. Bravo!!, the firmly rooted tree emerges out as a warrior and survives even after hit by the cyclone. So, can we! when we practise Mindfulness. But how that happened? Did we ever notice the trunk of the tree? The strong tree trunk that holds the roots and firmly fixes the tree in the ground. It did not itself get affected by the strong outside winds.

Clip Art Yoga And Mindfulness Clipart

Mindfulness is the trunk in our life that will hold us strongly and keep deep-rooted.  We may experience the high and lows, but it keeps us grounded and give strength to deal with rough patches of life. Practising mindfulness develop the capacity to withstand and let go that stormy feeling. Mindfulness does not let the emotion overwhelm us and acts as a shield to let go of those emotions.

Mindfulness helps us to deal with our intense emotions and brings in serenity. So, when faced in a storm of emotions, do not stay at the level of brain or heart. It could be stressful. Instead, bring your attention to your Mindful Breathing. Mindful breathing means paying attention and becoming aware of mind, body and breath together, observing them in a non-judgemental way. Slow, deep breathing can calm the nervous system by reducing our heart rate and activating the parasympathetic (calming) nervous system. Calmness from within comes when we focus internally. Our breathing is magical. It is therapeutic. Observe your breath, focus all your attention on it. Feel the rise and fall of your abdomen for 10-15 minutes. Gradually, you will realise that your breath has relaxed your anxious feelings. The cyclone of emotions has settled down, like the tree that stands strong after a stormy day. 

Observing breath mindfully at that peak will bring us back in the present moment and will not make our mind wander between past and future. The present moment is the only moment that needs to be taken care and with this thought, we can easily regain the peace and confidence in handling that whirlwind. Else, we get into the trap of those negative emotions and victimise ourselves with various ailments.

Mindful breathing makes us realise the strength that we possess. We all have a seed of mindfulness. We all know and practise mindfulness at some of the other time in a day but rarely we do it when it comes to dealing our emotions. We just flow with emotions as if they are forever and all our decisions mend with our emotions. That may result in more problems later.

Practising Mindfulness at that time can help to relax and sort out the complexity of a situation. Let us be mindful from now and see the sparkle in “being in control of emotions” or “be the boss in managing the emotions”

Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.” – Eckhart Tolle

Importance of Emotions- Part 2

“If you don’t heal what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you.” -Unknown

Rea and Rashmi were 13yrs old and were best friends. Both were like two poles of a magnet, completely opposite but always together. Rea was timid and shy whereas Rashmi was confident and outspoken. One day girls had an argument on a very trivial issue, though it was quite common, this time it happened to the extent that it reached their mother’s as well. As usual, because of Rashmi’s outspoken nature, her mom presumed her at fault and scolded badly, without giving an ear to what she wanted to speak. But this time the story was different, Rea spoke a few things that hurt her. Rashmi wanted to share it with her mom but before that, she was proven guilty. That small incident was life-changing for that chirpy girl. It deeply affected her, and differences cropped not only between friends but also between mom and daughter.

This is the point where a new chapter of insecurity, caving inside started in child life. Who was at fault, Rea, Rashmi or mother? All Rashmi wanted was to speak out what she was feeling. She needed a vent to pour out. But the mother cold shoulder attitude discouraged it. Mother failed to acknowledge the emotions that were undergoing in that little heart. Rather her response made the child feel guilty of expressing. Unlike Rashmi, we all can relate to those moments in our life, when our words were locked inside. Expressing of true self was discouraged or speaking to heart was snubbed by our adults.

Our thoughts, behaviour and emotions are interrelated. Emotions are like the information guide, that tells about what is going inside and around us. At different point of time, we experience different emotions like pain, happiness, sadness, excitement. Sometimes there is a mix of emotions too like happiness accompanied by crying or anger and sadness. Firstly, it is important to identify what emotion you are feeling in the present moment before we learn to manage. For e.g. if it is raining outside, we cannot deny it similarly if we are feeling sad, we should accept it. Usually, we try to ignore or avoid in accepting our negative emotions, probably the pain associated with it being the reason.

Like in the above case, Rashmi’s mother shrugged off her feelings that made the poor girl feel ambiguous. Till that point, she was angry or sad because of that fight. She wanted to speak out her heart, but the non- acceptance of her feelings dwelled that pain of sadness deeper. Now she was confused if feeling angry or sad is appropriate or not. The way her emotions were dismissed worsened the situation.

The fact is that emotions dig deep and take time to heal. The process of healing starts only when the emotions of that moment are addressed. Addressing is all about first acknowledging, what you are feeling. Sooner it is done better it is. Most of the times we are in a denial mode, like, “how can I be like this or why am I behaving in such a way”. Here, it is important to understand what emotion we are experiencing now, and are we really feeling drained out with emotionally, mentally and physically in that situation. If we can acknowledge our feelings, we are on the way to heal but if there is non- acceptance of the feelings we enter a complex intriguing cycle of unhealed emotions. The discomfort or pain associated with it may be substituted by behaviour like addictions or workaholism etc. The irony is that the intensity of short-lived emotions is very powerful. These emotional experiences condition the perceptions about life. The glass is half full or half empty or has scope to refill, is all about the emotional state that we are in. Our emotional health is a major contributor to our physical health. A person may have challenges physically but can live a happy and peaceful life if he is emotionally fit. At no point in time, their importance can be undermined. Instead, emotional health should be taken care in a more cautious way than physical health keeping in mind its fragile nature.

The truth is that acceptance of emotions will bring wisdom.

Once you can identify your feelings then comes the next step, Acceptance. The overwhelming emotions like anger, sadness or frustration etc. need a vent. Denial of emotions only leads to chaos and internal struggle. Investing time in exploring the emotion and sharing with someone who is your trustworthy help in the better tuning with one’s emotion. The gloomy state wears off, the sooner it gets a voice. The voice, that helps the person to reach to the core of what they believe and feel. The validation of emotions. Like, it is ok to feel what you are feeling. Like in the above case, the rejection and ignorance of mother in acknowledging Rashmi’s feeling created havoc in her mind. The girl was angry with a friend, but her mom’s non-validating attitude made it worse. All Rashmi wanted was a listening ear and a hand to hold.  Acceptance and understanding.

Healing starts when we embrace our feelings. It makes a heavy heart feel lighter and help them to counter effectively. When our loved one Validates our feelings, we feel confident.  It is a gesture by our dear one that he is standing beside and is impartial, not judging us for our present state.  It is a time when we want to be heard and not necessarily looking for the solution or guidance. It also helps in bringing in clarity of thoughts.

All of us have a brush with pain and loss in our life. But keeping them in heart and not coming at par with them only makes it more painful. So, remove that self-inflicted pain and come out and acknowledge the truth and move ahead and Heal. Keeping the feelings bottled up only leads to massive eruptions later. So, talk it out to one’s that understand. Also, let us work towards becoming an ear for someone else too.

“We must laugh and cry, enjoy and suffer, in a word, vibrate to our full capacity… I think that’s what being really human means.”

– Gustave Flaubert

Importance of Emotions- Part 1

““But feelings can’t be ignored, no matter how unjust or ungrateful they seem.”
                                                                                                                       ― Anne Frank 

We all experience varied emotions throughout the day. The moment we start our day, emotions start playing with us. They keep on fiddling. Emotions can be intense or mild. Depending upon the circumstances and the state of mind that we are in make them complex or simple. Some people explicitly come out with their feelings and a few blow them out of proportion, others put them under the wraps. However, emotions keep their existence alive and play an important role in influencing our decisions and choices.  Though emotions are short lived but their impact on one’s life is long lasting and at times huge. For e.g. most heated arguments and road rages are the consequence of emotions of Anger. Even our older generation have been emphasising not to make any promises when you are very happy or take decisions when you are in an extreme state of emotions. The impact of it may be lifelong.

The power of Emotions cannot be underestimated. They have a strength to make or ruin a bond. Mismanaged emotions can also affect on the physical well being of an individual. Hypertension, diabetes, migraine, anxiety and other psychosomatic illnesses have become quite common. They all are by-products of decline in emotional health. Even some skin allergies are also the result of subconsciously suppressed emotions.

The point to ponder over here, why expressing or venting of emotions is a challenge for most of us. Why we store or ignore or suppress them. If expressed, why for most of us it pours out in extreme, either overtly or covertly? Is it something that we are missing out? Is there any training or skill that we should undergo to handle them? Endless questions……

Sadly, the truth is that we are conditioned to hide our emotions, rarely encouraged to speak them out. Right from the childhood, a child is scolded or ignored or disciplined in sharing his negative emotions. Like, many mothers tell their son that “boys don’t cry, they are brave”. At that point, the child is discouraged and told that it is not ok to cry or crying is a coward action, the child may probably stop crying momentarily, but it was not the answer to the emotional pain he was suffering during that time. Let us take another example of siblings fight for a toy, most of the times the elder child is asked or taught to compromise and give it away to the younger one citing his responsibility to behave as  grownup. Here again, the elder child feels emotionally hurt as he is not given that space to be heard or understood. In both cases, the caretakers not only snubbed or ignored the child but also boxed up the his feelings, leave apart acknowledging them. When it becomes a routine, the child starts learning that, either what he is feeling is not right or nobody understands him. Slowly he starts displacing those feelings with some other emotion. It could be bullying other people or anxiety or addictions or something else. His subconscious has now ingrained with a seed of not being understood and devaluation of his emotions when expressed.

Had the emotion been given the right gateway at the right time and in right situation, the child would have nurtured with high emotional intelligence.

A lot of emphasis is always laid on teaching creative skills, sharpening of academic skills and extracurricular activities. Our societal setup inclusive of our parents, relatives, mentors, and elders all play a major role in dealing with day to day challenges faced by a child. They act like a shield and protect a child from the thick and thin of life, but they fail to acknowledge the validation of feelings that a child needs in his low times. The child is literally tamed for all the things that will make him achieve success in life. No importance is given on understanding and dealing with the most sensitive aspect of life i.e., emotional health. Parents and teachers go an extra mile to help the child climb the ladder of achievements, making a proud moment for them. In the rat race, only the path to reach the highest point in the career and life are set and kids are taught to take decisions only from the brain in totality, missing empathy and compassion for self. The child is equipped in all ways to handle the technical issues but literally unequipped to manage human relations at both personal and professional levels.

So why to wait for a damage to happen. Let us take a preventive approach and start working from the grass root level for improving the emotional health consciously, just as we make an effort for the physical health.

“Every EMOTION we keep prisoner, will revolt”

 KEYS TO POWERFUL LIVING- SELF-BELIEF

KEYS TO POWERFUL LIVING- SELF-BELIEF

“It’s not important what other people believe about you, its’s only important what you believe about yourself”                                                                                                                                 -Rev.lke

Recent news of the suicide of Sushant Singh Rajput has shocked all of us. A real disappointing and disheartening one`. At the peak of his career and with all the best things in his kitty that he earned with hard work and perseverance, still he gave up. What was it that made him succumb to DEPRESSION? Sushant is the not the only one, there are many people like him who give up with their dreams and surrender to death in the spur of moment.

Did we ever wonder why such happens? At surface level, there may be many reasons like conflicting relationships, job issues, financial problems or it could be any. People easily gets demotivated and fearful when they encounter failure in any area of life. Apparently, these reasons appear to be the real reasons behind. But it is not true, it is far different from it. In our society, since our childhood, most of us are conditioned in a way where we need to seek approvals from other for small decisions, we are judged for our acts and graded for our performances just like in school kids get A,B,C grades. These evaluations whether in academics or in other spheres of life subconsciously ingrain a seed in mind that success is not only about the work you do but also seeking the social approvals. They are weighed more than your personal credentials. The child’s personality gradually shapes with this thought. Fear and self-doubts become the second to his mind. Thus, the self-confidence and self-esteem are influenced by all these small incidents that happen in young age gradually start digging deep caves inside. With time, these may result in lack of confidence and loss in self- belief in handling rough patches in personal and professional associations. It may make the person an easy prey to depression, anxiety, frustration, anger, and sadness. The only two questions that come in mind in those times is “Why Me” and “What If?” These questions are sufficient to create a Fear of Unknown. The fear that create barriers that blocks our vision to see the new possibilities in life. These barriers in thoughts are as damaging as grave injuries after an accident. Literally, it shelves out all good thing or relations that you possess. Let us learn how to manage it:

Belief in self is the only magical wand that can stir off the toughest of time and may help you see the brighter side of the odd situation. For building self-belief, it is important to accept the situation that you are facing. Usually, there is a denial in mind when facing the turmoil, but this non- acceptance approach only worsens it. The more you resist the more it will persist, making it more painful. Do not crib and question yourself but bring acceptance of the problem, it will help in finding the solution just like a ray of hope in the dark room. A first move from walking out of the emotional vicious cycle.

Be grateful for all you have at present, to all the achievements that you achieved in past. Usually, we tend to dwell more on the unfulfilled wishes or desires and that is the reason for our pain and depression. We somehow shield ourselves from all the good things we possess, we create a tunnelled vision. In the rat race, the desire to achieve the unachieved is so strong that becomes the trigger to run faster till you exhaust and give up. The mental health is most important, do not overburden yourself with the heaviness of unachieved and unfulfilled wishes and expectations. Set the goals, do your best to achieve them but do not exhaust. Take timeouts and reset things if required. Talk out and keep moving, do not stuck yourself, try out new ways and think out of the box to make it happen.

Talk to self and approve your own self, do not let others judge you or assess you. Do not treat yourself like an answer sheet to be checked and graded by others. Be your own judge and process and script what you feel is right. It is quite interesting fact that our brain feeds what you tell it. It does not have its own brain to judge the right or wrong. It attracts what you think and feed.  Create your own perspectives and do not let yourself down with others approval or let their influence overpower you. Everyone creates their own story, so play as Hero and not the victim in your life story.

Empathise yourself, its ok to feel low and fail many a times. Success is not guaranteed in every attempt you make. Do not let your overthinking and negative energies bully your self-belief. Let your past become a slam book storing all your bitter, sweet memories and experience. A journal of your learnings , a reflection of your mental strength that “You Can Do It”.

Self- Confidence and Self- Belief open zillion opportunities and brings in strength that none can bring. Train your brain that it is ok to fall, make your fall, a time to rethink and rebuilt yourself. Your fall is the reflection of your first effort towards your dream. Let it happen!!!

“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do, you have to keep moving forward.”                                                                             -Martin Luther King Jr.