What Will People Say??

Self-esteem is made up primarily of two things: feeling lovable and feeling capable.                  

  -Jack Canfield

Recently while surfing the stories, I came across one very interesting story about a tribal community. That narrative was an eye opener and a sudden realisation of compassion and a deep understanding of complex human behaviour from the people that are far away from today’s civilised world. A sheer amazing thing to take lessons on the feelings and emotions of human psychology. Their belief in helping in restoring and gracing the self-integrity of their member in their low times is much appreciated. Life is a cycle of highs and lows. Sometimes facing those challenges can make one perplexed and disoriented in mind and behaviour. It is the time when one needs anchoring and guidance from its own people, and this is what that tribal community do to guide and hold the person in the thin times of life. Instead of labelling or punishing or isolating, their approach is to empathetically support and make them introspect and rehabilitate the self-respect and confidence. The key people of community and relatives of the person gather and discuss the problems in detail and acknowlwdge and create a plan about how to work . Then all the elder and wise people of the tribe sit around that person and take turns to count on and appreciate his good deeds and his past achievements. An aura of positivity is created around that person so that he feels motivated, encouraged, and supported in those low phases of life. This confidence-building exercise is done for many days. They try to strengthen his life skills like critical thinking, coping with stress or emotional management. This reinforcing technique helps in self-realisation and managing overwhelming negative emotions. Speaking positive and reassuring words is their spiritual way of helping the person recover and heal and move forward in life. The tribe believes that in the battle of life there are times when we may fall prey to our circumstances and do certain action/ behaviour which is deviant or non-conforming. So, it is their duty and responsibility to guide and redirect that person in the right direction and ensure to uplift them and make them feel secure and give courage to face difficult times wisely. Their deep understanding of behaviour and their way of strengthening the seeds of fortitude and self-respect back in that person in the toughest of times is a commendable example to learn from. They stand rock strong with the member and with patience channelise it. This approach is the reflection of their maturity, respect, and care towards the individual and for the betterment of their community at large.

HAND HOLDING

Their ideology is that every life on this earth is a pure soul and has no intention to hurt or harm someone. The situations in life may trigger the responses or actions that may sway a person to move in the course that might be detrimental to their life and to the people associated with them. But one should not feel left out, instead, it is the time they need support from their people to help them regain the self-confidence and assurance they lose in the struggling time. A reinforcement of confronting and uplifting the person when he makes wrong deeds. A very inspiring way of holding and anchoring a person by its own people. The people that may be not as advanced in technology as we are but the ones that have far better emotional intelligence.

On the contrary, in our developing society rarely do we get such support, rather the pressure of the statement “WHAT WILL PEOPLE SAY??” is more threatening and fearful to cloud the distressing mind further. Ironically the people that we talk about are the ones that we have no idea about. Unknown people become the navigators of our life and decisions. The lack of support and censoring true feelings is often seen, the conditioning of our thoughts is made in a way that validation from the outside is more important than what you believe in. There is more judgement and hypocrisy. Truthful and wise people are hard to find. Labelling and tags are soon attached. The burden of others’ expectations turns it further challenging both mentally and physically, creating a pool of anxiety and apprehension. Shouldn’t our society mould us according to our individuality and respect it instead of blocking the growth in terms of our self-esteem and self-worth.  These days there is a sharp rise in the cases of anxiety and addiction. Both are the by-products of our non-acceptance. It is a tug of war of the conflicts between Self Vs approval by others and doubts about the consequences. Openness and a big heart to listen and voice is a miss. Probably this is one of the forefront reasons behind the increase in mental health challenges in recent times. Our culture dissuades people that are non-confirming to the societal norms. Even though our society is progressing, modernisation and artificial intelligence are reaching their peak but the emotions like empathy, understanding, and compatibility are getting extinct. We constantly look for motivation from outside and lack the confidence to move in new directions.

Life is a constant battle of situations and emotions, and family and friends are like pillars in the toughest time. The tribal people are a real inspiration and a admirable example, about hand holding and helping one overcome the hard times, and rise and shine with new beliefs and perceptions of self. So, let us enrich ourselves with the wisdom of tribal community.

With the realisation of one’s own potential and self-confidence in one’s ability, one can build a better world. – Dalai Lama

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Half Full or Half Empty: CHOICE

 

  

The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.

–          Marcus Aurelius

Recently while surfing through old papers, I came across a beautiful story. A tale of hope and optimism in the toughest times. The stints in life when one feels low and hopeless and gets critical of everything around him; and then how someone can give another perspective to the same situation and give meaning and purpose to the meaningless battle of life. It was about how even in the hardest of times we can still find and appreciate the small moments and vouch for other things that we never gave an eye on. A story of a man who was undergoing a rough terrain in life, completely disheartened and anxious. Since the beginning of the year, he was bearing losses in his personal, professional, and financial life and could not find solace in anything around, an unhappy soul. He loved his job but had to retire due to some reasons and was jobless. He was very close to his father; they were like friends, unfortunately, he passed away after a long medical illness. Soon after his son met with a serious car accident. The car was damaged completely, crushed to scrap, and his son also bore injuries. Every day was spiralling in a downward direction making it unpleasant and painful. All these events of life were making him dispirited and adding to the negativity and sadness in life. Since his young days, he had a habit of journaling his feelings, a way of venting out. Especially these days, he was writing more, and his loving wife could make out his anguish. His writings were full of complaints and misery, there was no hope only pain. Expressing his feeling gave him a voice but with no hope. The more he penned the sadder he felt. One day his wife decided to read the journal. At night when he went to sleep, she read the diary he use to write and was shocked. She never realised the deep sadness he was keeping in him. It was a difficult phase but not as scary as he perceived. After a deep thought, she wrote a letter addressing her husband and shared how she is managing herself emotionally in this phase of life. She revealed that even though she is also sad about all that has happened and it was never easy for her as well, but we must move on. Everything in life is not in our control but how we decide to interpret it can change the perception of those experiences/ incidents. She further said that parents are the most precious possession of life, their presence is like big shady trees where we are always protected and happy, their values are the life lessons and the assets, but the truth of life cannot be denied. Your dad was undergoing a serious medical condition and was in pain. Heavenly powers decided to take him along and ease him into a calm state. He passed away peacefully with his loved ones around.

Secondly, she said you have been tirelessly working for so many years for the family, it was unfortunate that you lost your job for some reasons but on the other hand, if we see it as an opportunity and God’s way of making you spend quality time with your father in his last days. The contentment of having a son by one side is priceless. You were blessed with that chance and you relived those beautiful old days with your dad. Now you can relax and start with some part-time jobs as we are all secured for the future because of your wise decisions.

Thirdly, though your car had a bad accident and is severely damaged; we should be grateful that our son escaped it with minor injuries. He was behind the wheels and the condition of our car indicates the miracle of High Energy that saved him, rest insurance company will take care of the damages. So life has been on its test drive with us and we are learning and moving.

Such a powerful message, her beliefs instantly gave a ray of hope in the dark time. Life is always a roller coaster ride, with its ups and downs. Our experiences are the output of how we perceive our events in life. We have the power to make our life and our experiences enjoyable and creative. The optimism that his wife carried fuelled her with energy and strength to face tough situations in a thoughtful way. Overthinking and negativity dwarf our minds. The mantra of life “Be Positive or Stay Positive” can only be achieved if we check the thoughts that we give to ourselves in a situation. If we get stuck and keep on dwelling on the down times in life, the beauty of life will be lost. It is a conscious choice that we make. We all want happiness and peace of mind however it is only possible if we try to see our events of life from a broader perspective. Happiness is a state of mind and can be seen in the smallest of things; provided we are mindful of it. Instead, we keep our Mind-full and hence cannot see the small joys. The hardest falls of life can be easily sailed out with mindfulness and gratitude. Else we will drown ourselves in the ocean of problems and sadness accompanied by depression, anxiety along with other psychosomatic symptoms. A feeling of gratitude added to the somersault of life can bring the shades of happiness, confidence, and vigour back in life. So, let’s make a choice: Glass Half Full or Empty.

LOST SMILE…………..

“A teenager is a part-time adult and a part-time child, and He will decide which part-time”.

It was a routine day in the morning. Everyone in the family was busy with their daily chores, rushing to the office and many small things before leaving home. Manisha was a professional and her husband too. Due to Covid, their two teenagers; Ashima and Ashish, were at home attending their online classes. A small and beautiful family. Manisha felt blessed as all was just perfect, and nothing appeared challenging. A well-settled job, kids, understanding spouse. Everything was flawless for her. After the weekend going back to the office was slightly tough, the clock stuck at 9:00 am and just ten more minutes to leave, Manisha hurried. She had to be in the office by 10. Almost all was done just last-minute instructions to grownups. She and her husband left together for office. All was in place.

A busy day, the start of the week. Many things were lined up in the office, very hectic. Since morning there was no time, else, she has a routine of calling home once before lunch. Around 1’o clock she received a frantic call from her neighbors that changed everything in her life forever. She fell and the thud…. sound alerted the people around. They rushed to help, wondering what had happened. In no time all were dumbstruck just like her, Ashish had committed SUICIDE. Scary news that was unbelievably true. 

Ashish was a disciplined, affectionate, and focused child. Though he was introverted but close to family. They all bonded beautifully. Then how come it happened, what went missing in conversations, what was going in his life that he took this extreme step; many unanswered questions; WHAT AND WHERE DID THINGS WENT WRONG?? He left his parents with quizzing questions that will always remain unanswered. The children that take this extreme step cannot foresee the repercussions of their actions. Life comes to a standstill for all their loved ones. Where, as a parent, they slipped to notice the turmoil in the child’s mind and heart.

According to the Centre for Disease Control and Prevention, suicide is the tenth leading cause of death in the USA. Taking one’s life is the hardest decision and is taken only when one feels hopeless and helpless. Adolescence is the time when a child undergoes many hormonal changes, and a noticeable difference is observed physically, emotionally, and mentally. They start moving out from their cocooned existence and spread wings, a stormy time for both parents and teenagers. A teenager’s mind at this point is evolving at a fast pace and is soaking many things around. There are many influences that are touching upon his impressionable mind. A start of a phase of Individuation. Shaping ideas, opinions, and redefining the parameters of social acceptance, friends, and fad of cool, becomes the center of their life. A big shift in thoughts and people (family) takes place. Mood swings, peer pressure, curiosity to explore, and many more questions in their mind keeps popping that may appear weird to adults. They start finding their own ways to manage things in life, developing their coping mechanisms. As a parent, many things that appear insignificant to us could be a big challenge for younger ones. Their stressors usually root from their academics, friendships, and could be psychological or environmental issues. For example, a small argument with a friend could be a big deal for them but too small a thing to even worry about for an adult. Peer pressure, change in hormones, sexual identity, opinions, relationships, etc. are add-ons.

COMFORTING HUG

Before the disaster happens, the cues do appear, which should not be ignored like there could be behavioral changes such as sadness, withdrawal, loss of interest in daily routine activities and things that they use to enjoy earlier, talking about being worthless and on death and dying, angry, irritated, etc., or academic changes (grades going down), changes in sleep and eating pattern, etc. Apart from these any other noticeable changes or deviations from the normal routine or behavior should not be ignored and needs immediate attention. 

It may be a silent call for help.

Suicide is the last recourse; one can think only when they realize that no one around them can understand their state of mind or give an ear to their pain. The decision to take one’s life can surely be averted. A tough time for parents as well as kids. It is a transition phase where parents need to move in the background and change their roles to good observers and listeners. Few things as a parent we should practice with our young ones, like while talking to children, we most of the time, tend to exert our authority or label their feelings (e.g., silly); or maybe not give an empathetic ear to them. It is the time they need open and unbiased communication from their caretakers or parents. Someone who can hold in their wavy emotions and anchor them back with love and confidence. Amiss in this support can severely affect their self-esteem and could mess up their feelings. Both parents and children may feel insecure at this point as there may be many things, that are new to both, disagreements are bound to happen. As a parent, we also take time to adjust to the fact that our kids are no more toddlers but growing with their own perceptions and should not be forced by adults’ mindsets. They need respect and validation of their perspective that is unconditional and not seeded with their academic performance or their choice of friends or fashion etc., the most common choking points in a parent-child relationship.

The thread of authority by parents needs to be loosened so that the young ones can articulate their doubts/ fears and thoughts. Quality time spent with children and letting them explore their interest areas and feelings act as a confidence booster and build trust and understanding, the most important pillars in a healthy relationship. A parent should be vigilant but not overprotective or too inquisitive about their life, a balance of it is important. A receptive parent acknowledging their emotions instill a seed of self-compassion and setting the right priorities, the most valuable life skill for healthy, happy, and fulfilling life. No matter how busy as a parent we may be in our professional or other personal commitments, like any other daily job, talking to kids and sharing and listening to them and making them comfortable in expressing their minds help them to evolve as confident individuals. A comforting parent is a source of love and hope, that will secure them in the swings of life.

If as a parent one feels challenged in talking about it, immediately professional help should be taken.

Parent-child is a beautiful relationship and just like a gardener a parent must take care of the tiny saplings (kids) and nurture them with balanced nutrients of love, care, respect, support, and guidance from time to time. The communication gap and lack of understanding are the weeds that need constant removal. All the nutrients at the right time and in the right quantity will help the sapling blossom into a beautiful flower, a mentally strong, confident, and happy individual. So as a parent let us try and enter in the shoes of our teens and see the world from their eyes while tenderly holding our precious gems with care and love.  

PARENTING CHECK……

“The sign of great parenting is not the child’s behaviour. The sign of truly great parenting is the parents’ behaviour”                                                           – Andy Smithson

                                    

Aditya was a 16yr old boy with a vivacious personality. He was popular among his friends for his polite and helpful nature. Harsh was his closest buddy. They shared almost everything with each other. But from the last few days, Harsh was noticing a visible change in Aditya’s behaviour. He was quieter and sad which was alarming. Harsh could not understand what was bothering Aditya so much. He had never seen him like this before since they became friends. Finally, today Harsh decided to talk about it as he was getting anxious seeing his friend. Harsh was shocked when Aditya broke into tears. He cried inconsolably. Aditya was upset because of his parents. His parents had marital trouble and there were endless fights and arguments at home. Aditya being the single child was badly stuck in between them. He could not talk it out and it was upsetting him more, every single day now. His home appeared like a battlefield, and he did not feel like going home. As far as he could remember about his childhood, it is only the memory of abuses and quarrels between them, like cats and dogs. He has no hope in their relationship and wants to move out of that house. He feels dead in emotions for his parents, and everything seemed cluttered. A constant fear haunts him, and he feels helpless and alone.  

There are many more similar stories of children like Aditya that are sufferers of conflicting relationships between their parents. Conflicts are an inevitable part of any relationship. But the way they are managed is a crucial aspect of it. According to research, if conflict conversations are handled in a constructive way, they can help to gain a new perspective in relationships. However, mismanagement of it can turn a relationship toxic and has a deep impact on the people around, especially children. Children are very innocent and sensitive but are sharp observers and can read eyes. Even a toddler who is learning to speak can perceive and differentiate the tone and feelings of said and unsaid words. They absorb everything like a sponge and their little hearts lock the feelings inside. They may lack the words to speak out their emotions, but their behaviour and gestures reflect the inner grind, helplessness, and insecurity.

When a child is born, his parents are the world, their home is like a heaven and a safe space guarded by its protectors (the parents). Any ripples (like unhealthy fights, arguments, etc.) in their world can create a hustle-bustle in their mind. They feel confused and chaotic. It is like an ordeal that is very stressful, difficult for them to process. They may experience complex emotions like anxiety, fear, or loneliness. It is difficult for them to accept the fact that their guardians are themselves not at peace and emotionally struggling. In young children it can result in grumpy moods, temper tantrums, crankiness, anger issues, or sadness; in teenagers, it may develop into low self-confidence, low self-esteem, distrust, or may drive them to a neurotic state like overthinking, compulsive acts, or binge eating, etc. Their coping mechanism is at the nascent stages and there are chances that they may be misguided by people with deceit intentions. Unlike Aditya, not everyone is fortunate to get support from the right people. The kids develop their own way of venting out the turmoil they undergo.

Parenting is the most beautiful gift and experience in human life, with its own knee jerks. Like a potter, a parent shapes the child with values, respect, character, a sense of responsibility, motivation, and skills. Unconditional love and care are the ingredients in between that bind the pot i.e., a parent and child. A delicate balance and mix of all these helps the child to grow into an emotionally healthy adult. But an imbalance can create havoc; dysfunctional parenting can create deep emotional wounds in the formative years that are difficult to heal in a lifetime. The impressions/scars are permanent and can wobble the foundation of trust, love, and respect in future relationships for that child. Their negative experiences at home can shake their roots of mental and emotional health which is an overwhelming feeling.

CHILDREN OBSERVE

As a parent, we are accountable for giving the child a safe space and an environment that is carefree and comforting. Raising a confident, happy, and responsible person in adulthood is a mutual responsibility of both parents. Parenting should be above egos and a self-centric attitude, and any clashes or quarrels should be handled mindfully in front of children. The proverb “actions speak louder than words” fits best in the role of parenting. As a parent, we should try and set an example of conflict management and nurture them into an adult who is more responsible in their deeds as an individual and in society. 

“Being able to solve conflict peacefully is one of the greatest strengths we can give our children”, by Fred Rogers

MIND YOUR WORDS

“What comes out of your mouth is determined by what goes into your mind”

                                                                                                                                                -Zig Zigler

A‌ ‌few‌ ‌days‌ ‌back‌ ‌while‌ ‌surfing‌ ‌the‌ ‌internet‌ ‌I‌ ‌read‌ ‌a‌ ‌beautiful‌ ‌story.‌ ‌A‌ ‌true‌ ‌story‌ ‌and‌ ‌very‌ ‌appealing‌ ‌and‌ ‌meaningful.‌ ‌A‌ ‌story‌ ‌from‌ ‌the‌ ‌archives‌ ‌of‌ ‌African‌ ‌tribes.‌ ‌I‌ ‌felt‌ ‌that‌ ‌story‌ ‌can‌ ‌be‌ ‌named‌ ‌“Murder‌ ‌by‌ ‌Words”.‌ ‌The‌ ‌brief‌ ‌story‌ ‌is‌ ‌about‌ ‌killing‌ ‌someone‌ ‌spiritually.‌ ‌The‌ ‌Solomon‌ ‌tribe‌ ‌of‌ ‌Africa‌ ‌uses‌ ‌words‌ ‌to‌ ‌log‌ ‌down‌ ‌thick‌ ‌and‌ ‌strong‌ ‌trees.‌ ‌According‌ ‌to‌ ‌them,‌ ‌it‌ ‌is‌ ‌a‌ ‌mystical‌ ‌way‌ ‌of‌ ‌plummeting‌ ‌a‌ ‌big‌ ‌tree.‌ ‌They‌ ‌first‌ ‌identify‌ ‌the‌ ‌tree‌ ‌that‌ ‌they‌ ‌want‌ ‌to‌ ‌chop.‌ ‌Later‌ ‌all‌ ‌the‌ ‌villagers‌ ‌gather‌ ‌every‌ ‌day‌ ‌around‌ ‌that‌ ‌tree‌ ‌and‌ ‌curse‌ ‌it.‌ ‌For‌ ‌the‌ ‌next‌ ‌thirty‌ ‌days,‌ ‌they‌ ‌repeat‌ ‌this‌ ‌exercise‌ ‌of‌ ‌speaking‌ ‌bad‌ ‌words‌ ‌to‌ ‌the‌ ‌tree‌ ‌for‌ ‌about‌ ‌an‌ ‌hour.‌ Unbelievable but true!! Magically‌ ‌the‌ ‌tree‌ ‌falls‌ ‌within‌ ‌thirty‌ ‌days.‌ ‌A‌ ‌healthy‌ ‌and‌ ‌strong‌ ‌tree‌ ‌plunge‌ ‌ ‌with‌ ‌none‌ ‌other‌ ‌than‌ ‌anything‌ ‌but‌ ‌WORDS.‌ ‌They‌ ‌believe‌ ‌that‌ ‌words‌ ‌are‌ ‌sharper‌ ‌than‌ ‌any‌ ‌chopping‌ ‌tool‌ ‌like‌ ‌a‌ ‌knife‌ ‌or‌ ‌chopper.‌ ‌They ‌do‌ ‌not‌ ‌harm‌ ‌from‌ ‌outside‌ ‌but‌ ‌within‌ ‌inside‌ ‌they‌ ‌break‌ ‌the‌ ‌inner‌ ‌strength‌ ‌of‌ ‌even‌ ‌the‌ ‌robust.‌ ‌An‌ ‌age-old ‌and‌ ‌successful‌ ‌method,‌ ‌used‌ ‌by‌ ‌the‌ ‌tribe‌ ‌for‌ ‌many‌ ‌generations.‌ ‌

Amazingly‌ ‌this‌ ‌process‌ ‌of‌ ‌yelling‌ ‌and‌ ‌felling‌ ‌is‌ ‌so‌ ‌much‌ ‌applicable‌ ‌in‌ ‌human‌ ‌life‌ ‌as‌ ‌well.‌ ‌Since‌ ‌our‌ ‌birth,‌ ‌we‌ ‌hear‌ ‌so‌ ‌many‌ ‌different‌ ‌words‌ ‌from‌ ‌different‌ ‌people‌ ‌in‌ ‌our‌ ‌surroundings.‌ ‌Words‌ ‌form‌ ‌the‌ ‌world‌ ‌for‌ ‌us.‌ ‌The‌ ‌world‌ ‌that‌ ‌revolves‌ ‌around‌ ‌the‌ ‌energy‌ ‌of‌ ‌those‌ ‌words.‌ ‌They‌ ‌resonate.‌‌ ‌Every‌ ‌word‌ ‌that‌ ‌goes‌ ‌inside‌ ‌has‌ ‌its‌ ‌echo‌ ‌and‌ ‌impression‌ ‌and‌ ‌the‌ ‌visuals‌ ‌too.‌ ‌This‌ ‌association‌ ‌of‌ ‌words‌ ‌and‌ ‌experience/‌ ‌impression‌ ‌and‌ ‌the‌ ‌feelings‌ ‌attached‌ ‌go‌ ‌hand‌ ‌in‌ ‌hand,‌ ‌when‌ ‌repeated‌ ‌they‌ ‌start‌ ‌turning‌ ‌into‌ ‌beliefs.‌ ‌Beliefs‌ ‌are‌ generalizations‌ ‌that‌ ‌are‌ ‌formed with experiences‌ and ‌time‌. They act like filters ‌from‌ ‌which‌ ‌every‌ ‌impression‌ ‌or‌ ‌word‌ ‌must‌ ‌pass‌ ‌to‌ ‌get‌ ‌an‌ ‌interpretation‌ ‌or‌ ‌meaning. Every ‌word‌ ‌‌‌that enters inside our heads comes ‌with‌ ‌a‌ ‌story‌ ‌that‌ ‌keeps‌ ‌on‌ ‌fabricating‌ before it gets registered.‌ ‌Like‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌ ‌story,‌ ‌when‌ ‌tribals repeated the words every day,‌ the tree started believing them and believed them as true.‌ ‌Tree‌ ‌not‌ ‌only‌ ‌heard‌ ‌the‌ ‌words‌ ‌but‌ ‌also‌ ‌perceived‌ ‌the‌ ‌emotions‌ ‌associated‌ ‌with‌ that expression of people.‌ ‌It‌ ‌could‌ ‌sense‌ ‌the‌ ‌feelings‌ ‌conjoint‌ ‌with‌ ‌the‌ ‌language.‌ ‌Within‌ ‌no‌ ‌time‌ ‌it‌ ‌collapsed.‌

It‌ ‌is‌ ‌a‌ ‌similar‌ ‌phenomenon‌ ‌in‌ ‌humans‌ ‌also.‌ ‌Our‌ ‌mind‌ ‌is‌ ‌always‌ ‌engaged‌ ‌in listening and speaking to self and others.‌ It ‌processes what is heard and spoken. ‌Some of the phrases that are repeatedly heard turn into beliefs, few are ignored or discarded but some of them get stuck. Our ‌‌thoughts‌ ‌are‌ ‌the‌ ‌product‌ ‌of‌ ‌our belief system. Overthinking is the result of those stuck or jammed thoughts.‌ ‌It‌ ‌is‌ ‌a‌ ‌cyclic‌ ‌process, the words form the thoughts, they form our feelings and behavior.‌ Words create conversations within and condition our thoughts, which gets reflected in our body language and how we ‌feel for ourselves.‌ Our assertiveness and confidence is the expression of our ‌inner‌ ‌talk.‌ ‌

The‌ ‌narratives‌ ‌that‌ ‌we‌ ‌give‌ ‌to‌ ‌ourselves‌ ‌shape‌ ‌our‌ ‌personality‌ ‌and‌ ‌poise. ‌If‌ ‌we‌ ‌are‌ ‌Self- compassionate‌ ‌and‌ ‌self-caring,‌ ‌we‌ ‌will‌ ‌be‌ ‌more‌ ‌open,‌ ‌positive,‌ ‌and‌ ‌confident.‌ ‌But‌ ‌if feed it with stories and words that are negative, we will gradually ‌feel‌ ‌constricted‌ ‌ ‌trapping‌ ‌ourselves‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌ ‌web‌ ‌of‌ ‌negativity‌ and ‌may‌ ‌land‌ ‌up‌ ‌feeling‌ ‌victimized and miserable.‌ ‌‌Words‌ ‌are‌ ‌like‌ ‌nutritional‌ ‌supplements‌ ‌for‌ ‌mental‌ ‌health.‌‌‌ They ‌are‌ ‌very‌ ‌powerful and ‌transformational. They can ‌ ‌create‌ ‌destiny‌ ‌and‌ ‌vice‌ ‌versa.‌ ‌

Unfortunately, most‌ ‌of‌ ‌us‌ ‌fall‌ ‌prey‌ ‌to‌ ‌our‌ ‌own‌ self-deprecating and defeating words.‌ We create blocks/ barriers in our minds that inhibit us from moving in the progressive direction. The fears, phobias, anxiety, insecurities are the cages that we develop inside our minds.‌ They are self-imposed limitations and only our inner strength can cross them.‌ ‌For‌ ‌example‌ ‌thoughts‌ ‌like‌ ‌“I‌ ‌am‌ ‌not‌ ‌enough;‌ ‌I‌ ‌am‌ ‌so‌ ‌stupid;‌ ‌I‌ ‌do‌ ‌not‌ ‌like‌ ‌my‌ ‌body‌ ‌shape;‌ ‌I‌ ‌am‌ ‌not‌ ‌confident”‌ ‌etc.,‌ ‌when‌ ‌we‌ ‌speak‌ ‌to‌ ‌ourselves‌ ‌eventually‌ ‌can‌ ‌become‌ ‌true.‌ ‌ When these statements are recurrently said ‌are‌ ‌sufficient‌ ‌to‌ ‌drain‌ ‌out‌ ‌positivity‌ ‌and‌  get fixated and manifest.‌  ‌Such‌ ‌thoughts‌ ‌are‌ ‌fast‌ ‌to‌ ‌multiply.‌ ‌‌ ‌A‌ ‌similar‌ ‌thing‌ ‌happened‌ ‌with‌ ‌the‌ ‌tree‌ ‌also,‌ ‌when‌ frequently ‌bad‌ ‌words‌ ‌were‌ ‌said‌ ‌it‌ ‌collapsed.‌ ‌Words‌ ‌play‌ ‌a‌ ‌vital‌ ‌role‌ ‌in‌ ‌driving‌ ‌our‌ ‌life‌ ‌from‌ ‌best‌ ‌to‌ ‌worst‌ ‌or‌ ‌vice‌ ‌versa.‌ ‌Every‌ ‌action‌ ‌that‌ ‌we‌ ‌perform‌ ‌is‌ ‌the‌ ‌manifestation‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌words‌ ‌that‌ ‌we‌ ‌utter‌ ‌internally.‌ ‌The‌ ‌big‌ ‌leaders,‌ ‌politicians‌ ‌use‌ ‌powerful‌ ‌words‌ ‌(statements)‌ ‌to‌ ‌influence‌ ‌the‌ ‌masses.‌

The inner monologue of our mind defines the choices and actions that we do.‌ ‌It‌ ‌is‌ ‌very‌ ‌important‌ ‌that‌ ‌we‌ ‌consciously‌ ‌choose‌ ‌what‌ ‌we‌ ‌tell ‌ourselves‌ ‌and‌ ‌others.‌ ‌Mindful selection of words‌ ‌brings‌ ‌in‌ ‌a ‌mindset‌ ‌that‌ ‌is‌ ‌optimistic‌ ‌and‌ ‌open‌ ‌to‌ ‌new‌ ‌changes.‌ ‌It‌ ‌can‌ ‌dramatically‌ ‌shape‌ ‌our‌ ‌personality‌ ‌that‌ ‌is‌ ‌tall‌ ‌and‌ ‌confident;‌ ‌but‌ ‌hurtful‌ ‌or‌ ‌negative‌ ‌words‌ ‌(if‌ ‌used‌ ‌often)‌ ‌for‌ ‌self‌ ‌and‌ ‌others,‌ ‌can‌ ‌create‌ ‌anxiety‌ ‌and‌ ‌conflicts.‌ ‌The‌ ‌more‌ ‌critical‌ ‌we‌ ‌are‌ ‌for‌ ‌ourselves,‌ ‌the‌ ‌more‌ ‌diminished‌ ‌we‌ ‌feel.‌ Virtuous choice of ‌words‌ ‌is‌ also ‌one‌ ‌very‌ ‌important‌ ‌part‌ ‌of‌ ‌a‌ ‌self-care‌ ‌regime.‌ Hurtful‌ ‌words‌ ‌when‌ ‌spoken‌ ‌to‌ ‌others‌ ‌are‌ ‌not‌ ‌good‌ ‌but‌ ‌when‌ ‌spoken‌ ‌to‌ ‌self‌ ‌are‌ ‌self-sabotaging.‌ ‌They‌ ‌(words)‌ ‌are‌ ‌the‌ ‌strongest‌ ‌form‌ ‌of‌ ‌communication.‌ ‌Let’s‌ ‌not‌ ‌be‌ ‌very‌ ‌hard‌ ‌or‌ ‌harsh‌ ‌on‌ ‌ourselves‌ ‌and‌ ‌have‌ ‌a‌ ‌playful‌ ‌spirit‌ ‌with‌ ‌words‌ ‌that‌ ‌we‌ ‌listen‌ ‌to‌ ‌and‌ ‌preach.‌ ‌Our‌ ‌mind‌ ‌has‌ ‌immense‌ ‌ability‌ ‌to‌ ‌overcome‌ ‌the‌ ‌challenges‌ ‌that‌ ‌life‌ ‌poses‌ ‌but‌ ‌our‌ ‌self-limiting‌ ‌and‌ ‌self-imposed‌ ‌barriers‌ ‌can‌ ‌mow‌ ‌it‌ ‌down.‌ ‌So‌ ‌let‌ ‌us‌ ‌be‌ ‌more‌ ‌affirmative‌ ‌and‌ ‌encouraging‌ ‌because‌ ‌we‌ ‌know‌ ‌that‌ ‌words‌ ‌can‌ ‌turn‌ ‌the‌ ‌tables.‌ ‌The‌ ‌key‌ ‌to‌ ‌self-motivation‌ ‌and‌ ‌confidence‌ ‌is‌ ‌to‌ ‌condition‌ ‌the‌ ‌mind‌ ‌by‌ ‌feeding‌ ‌and‌ ‌reinforcing‌ ‌it‌ ‌with‌ ‌words‌ ‌that‌ ‌are‌ ‌uplifting,‌ ‌cheerful,‌ ‌kind,‌ ‌assuring,‌ ‌and‌ ‌hopeful.‌ ‌‌Be‌ ‌empathetic‌ ‌and‌ ‌considerate‌ ‌for‌ ‌yourself.‌ ‌ ‌Words are powerful and strong.

 ‌ ‌

“Words have magical power. They can either bring the greatest happiness or the deepest despair”

                                                                                                                                 -Sigmund Freud

THE BITTER TRUTH:GRIEF

                                                                                                                           

“Sometimes only one person is missing and the whole world seems depopulated. ”                                                                              

  -Alphonse De Lemartine

The second wave of the pandemic was almost over, life was slowly coming back to its normalcy. But for Himani, nothing was the same. Her life came to a pause after the tide of this deadly wave. Himani and Ashutosh were soulmates for the last 15yrs and had a small, beautiful family, blessed with two kids. The last two months were very disturbing worldwide and never could Himani think in her farthest that despite following all safety norms it could hit her household. In a week, the virus took away her soulmate. Himani was shocked and shattered. It seemed that her whole life fell like a pack of cards. Everything happened so quickly that she could not even understand or absorb the mishap. Ashutosh left for the next journey of his life, leaving her alone to fight the battle of the cruel world. She is still in shock and denial about his sudden demise. It is now almost two months, the life has slowly started moving on its track and even she is gradually recuperating, coming to real terms of life, even though her heart cries in pain and anguish for his absence. A very tough time like Himani many among us are struggling with the most painful phase of life in this pandemic times. Grief, a natural response to a loss of something (job/business/financial, etc.) or someone in life. There have many such tragedies that have happened around us. It is one of the darkest times of humanity wherein many families have lost their loved ones to the virus. It has knocked on the door of every household worldwide. Its impact is multidimensional. Though the departure of loved ones being severe.

floral artwork on surface

Pandemic has changed the lives forever for many, the damage is insurmountable. It has created chaos in our lives and emotions and has made a void that will never fill. Today in some of the other ways we all are grieving irrespective of age or gender. It is a test of time for all of us. As a community, we all need to stand together and shoulder the responsibility of managing the varied emotional pain that many among us are undergoing. Everything happened so fast in the second wave that there has been no time or a minimal time to process the loss. It has isolated all of us. But dealing with grief and giving expression to it is very important. Suppression of pain can lead to many psychosomatic illnesses like depression, anxiety, body aches and pain, numbness, etc. Grieving happens with its own time and pace. It is like a journey where we all will have a unique and different experience. No two people share similar grief. The suffering in pain depends on the relation and closeness that you shared with the person who has left for heavenly abode. The cycle of grief starts initially with a denial or shock, confusion, and fear. Several questions surface in the mind and maybe a tussle between thoughts and emotions that could range from anger to sadness, frustration to numbness, anxiety to uneasiness, or guilt to blame. Many a time we even try to bargain with the situation, making stories to convince and console ourselves, that the loss may revert but unfortunately it never happens. It is just an inner talk to calm the anxious thoughts. The turmoil of emotions gradually makes one move towards the acceptance of hard reality, though it is no time-specific. This is the point from where healing starts, acknowledging and accepting emotions paves the way towards it. Like, Himani was not only struggling with herself but also with people around, they were all rushing her to settle down and move on and take charge of as much as she can, though they were doing it in good intent. But they failed to empathize with her. She was trying her best to cope yet was broken from inside. Her frequent mood swings were showing it all. Grief is very stressful, and emotions are felt like a rollercoaster ride. The emotional pain that many of us are experiencing is difficult to comprehend but there are few things that we can do surely to help the process of grieving a little smoother. The person at loss is already facing stormy emotions, at that time they need constant care and shadow of friends and family where he/she can get a cushion to cry out and express their sorrow. We should try to give them an emotional blanket of care and love, so that they feel safe and the desired time to recover. We need to accommodate their state of mind and the battle they are fighting within themselves. Life alters when we lose our loved ones, it is like rebuilding and remaking a life without them. A harder fact but a new reality. Holding each other hands and shouldering them in their daily chores can help in the healing of the grieving person. Being around and demonstrating the care for the person can give them the comfort and security and a message that they are not alone. It will eventually redirect them adopt the new norm of life though painful. Also, igniting the flame of self compassion will give courage and hope to move forward. Though grief will remain forever in the heart but will get gentler with time, the memories of their loved ones will always be cherished and will remain an inspiration and strength in new life to come. Grieving is not a linear experience, there will be ups and downs and, time is the healer. So let us try and understand their suffering and try to help them build resilience and confidence by being with them emotionally; weaving a net of love and affection, giving them their space and time before they move towards the other horizon of life.

“ When a river of tears and a load of grief keep on flowing from a mountain of broken trust, feelings may relentlessly besiege the stronghold of our flesh. Only a timely adjustment with our mental compass can shore up confidence, resilience; and reliance. (“Taken for a ride”)”
― Erik Pevernagie

Change the Glasses….

I don’t know why, but rain comes into my head the minute I think of my childhood- Dhanush                  

It was evening and like any other day, Manish was standing on his balcony after his office work. It has been his daily routine for the last few months. After his office, he sat in open. The pandemic had drained out the jobs of many people in his friend circle, but he was lucky that it did not impact him in any way. Rather he was busier than before. Coordinating clients online was an added work pressure. Manish is employed in a high-profile marketing job and had to travel often. Pre pandemic, his bags were always packed. The outbreak of first wave of pandemics gave him a much-needed break from his fast-paced life. It made him introspect more about himself, a self-care time that he always ignored in chasing his career goals. A sudden lockdown was like a paid vacation that relaxed his adrenalin rush. He felt peaceful and calm in that period. But now the extended second break due to this deadly virus was weighing heavy on him both physically and mentally. Even after working for long hours, he felt anxious. The anxiety, sadness, monotony all was now overpowering him. Nothing could solace him. Ever since it all started, Manish followed the daily ritual of exercise, yoga, and a healthy diet. He was a self-disciplined person. but this time it was different. He was feeling low energy and stressed. The hot summer days seemed too long and tiring. All his gadgets in the evening made him feel sick. Though he knew that they were his only companions in present times.

He aimlessly sat on the balcony chair and had no energy even to prepare a snack for himself. There were innumerable racing thoughts, which he wanted to stop. He closed his eyes tightly to turn them away, but the tussle was making him more uneasy. Suddenly, a thud sound broke the cycle of thoughts and the water glass on the table. He looked around to find the culprit, and there he got it…. a ball. Manish was slightly annoyed as his cleaning work increased, which was tiresome, but the knock at the door abruptly stopped his train of thoughts. Two small kids stood at the door and as soon as they saw him, they pulled their ears to express apology for the mischief and requesting for their ball. Manish found their action so cute that he burst out laughing, a sudden reaction. He invited the little culprits cum guest now inside and spent around half an hour with them. It was a real delightful moment for him after a long time. Their innocent talk and naughty smile floored him. He felt their presence like a breeze of cold air in that hot summer evening. They made him travel back to the time when just like them he also smiled and laughed with an open heart and his dictionary was full of happy words. There were no predefined criteria for happiness as it was  spontaneous, any small mischief or thing could amuse and trigger the giggle.

Playful classmates having fun on playground Free Photo
CONTAGIOUIS SMILES

Most of us as kids were like those little ones chirpy and bubbly. The real fun is blowing balloon out of a bubble gums, sharing the chits or playing outdoors. The most amazing moments and memories cherished forever. However, as we climb the ladder of age, our chuckles and belly laugh lose their sheen. They become more cultured and machinated. Our priorities change, transforming our natural self into a more polished one, thereby masking the real feelings. The giggles and bursts of laughter are replaced by a formal smile. The focus shifts from pranks and laughter to comparing and looking for the things that we lack. Eventually leading to a feeling of being dissatisfied and unhappy. The joys of small things and happiness become conditional. But the beauty is that children find miracles in mundane; and the grownups look for miss outs in miracles.

There is complete shift in the mindset, the simplicity of life turns into responsibility and expectation oriented, making us feel anxious and sad. The pandemic has bought big lessons for us to learn from. It has given a pause to our fast-paced life and grounded us back to our roots of simplicity. Let us learn the secret of carefree smile from our kids and adopt it to reframe and restructure our thought process and to create a life that is more fulfilling and happier and close to nature. The sparkling smile, energy, mindfulness, and simplicity are the qualities we all need to refresh in our mind map. We all should consciously try to be happy even in the little things like kids. Their incredible clear mind and proactive tenacity make them confident and open to the new experience of life. Manish felt it instantly. We all can experience it. At present we all are sailing in the same boat of uncertainty. The shot of hope is the shift in  perspective, living every moment of life with a playful smile and energy, like a child. It is rightly said that “child is the father of man.”

The feeling of joy and cheerfulness all are available in abundance, it is just that we need to have an eye for it. Let us include our smiles and laughter in the daily menu of a healthy diet and take this time as an opportunity to do a workout with our mental and physical health. Our mental health is the asset that will help us to be resilient in rough terrains of life. Let us be more self-compassionate and redefine the meaning of happiness in simple things and be more mindful and grateful and grab every opportunity to smile and laugh, a natural remedy that can unburden the heaviness and give a jab of hope and courage.

“Smile is the electricity and life is a battery. Whenever you smile the battery gets charged and a beautiful day is activated, so keep SMILING.”

NEW LIFE……

If we surrendered to earth’s intelligence we could rise up rooted, like trees. —Rainer Maria Rilke

Rishita loved gardening. Garden was like a nest and she was like a missel thrush, where she could spend endless hours. The chirping birds, rustling leaves, were like a musical hymn that she could listen to forever and felt emotionally connected with them and could understand the whispers of natural beauties. They were all her friends. The lush and shadowy areas, the splendid beauty of colorful flowers, and the pleasant smell of leaves enchanted in the garden gave her a serene feeling.  Every tiny or gigantic beauty in the lawn had something to tell and their glory bought a mediating effect.  It was Sunday, Rishita was strolling in the garden and suddenly a big smile floated on her face. It was a magic of greens only. A bulb that she planted a year back did not bore anything till now, today a beautiful shoot blossomed out of it. It was an ecstatic feeling.

Awesome Green Plant Growing on Black soil background royalty free stock images

After a long time, she felt so cheerful. For the last few months, she was feeling unhappy, and nothing seemed to ward off her sadness. Spending time in the canopy of flowers was a breather, but her mind was in a constant tussle behind the scenes. Energy levels were low, and frustration was at its peak. Nothing could solace her. In past, her greens have been in their ways have guided a way out and those mesmerizing beauties had been her companion in the curves of life. They have always inspired and taught priceless lessons of life to her. On the humorous side, even her family also at times felt envious of their friendship. However, this time her restlessness and stress were somehow multiplying with every passing day. Something inside her that she was not able to share with family, and at the subconscious level she knew the way out, but her low confidence and fear were gripping hard.

Her green friends have always stood by her side and this time was no different, they again did the magic. In their unique way guided her to find the courage to accept the truth and resolve her apprehensions. A new birth of a tiny sapling in the garden from a dormant bulb that was planted a year and a half back bought a smile and new hope. It was an answer to many questions that were constantly knocking on in her mind. Rishita was fighting with herself and finding it hard to reset her priorities and subdue the doubts and anxieties that were standing tall as barriers and crossing them was a challenge she felt dread. She always wanted to start her own small business, but amid the family responsibilities, her dream always took a back seat or remained dormant just like that bulb. Now when she had all resources and ideas, weird thoughts panicked her, and she uses to get rolled up in the vicious cycle of negative thoughts lowering her confidence and motivation. She was trying to fight them back but her fears and thoughts were more powerful. On that day, the small, tiny seed gave her meaningful and priceless advice. Its birth made her realize that nature teaches resilience. The long journey of that bulb was full of darkness and it must have been like a warrior that fought and finally made the way. Reaching to see the sunshine was its goal. There must have been tremendous pressure on that little life, firstly with itself to break open the seed, and, then struggling with the darkness of soil and then finally emerging out of the soil to see the first ray of sun. The way to its destination (sunlight) was long and tiring and full of obstacles but the tiny creature’s determination and dedication towards its goal made it won overall odds and finally a rebirth in the world of chaos.

The small sapling gave confidence to her and made Rishita realize that her dreams can only come true if she sets her eye on them and takes action. It made her introspect that just a thought of doing something cannot work alone if not accompanied with persistence and hard work in the right direction. She must cross the barriers of all the self-limiting beliefs and make a way out. She had immense potential and in her home front, it was already reflecting. Her family adored and respected her for the confidence she boosted and the faith she hooded for them when they were in low phases. Ironically, she was finding difficulty; Her imagination was running wild with all types of concerns making her feeble and irritated.

But her green friends as always swirled their magic wand and gave a beautiful lesson. Rishita realized that for making her dream come true she must believe in herself. Even before spreading her wings, she feared failure but trust in one’s self is utmost to rise and shine. Just like that seed before getting that life remained in darkness for the longest of time and strived to rise high above the soil, she also must fight the fears and inhibitions that she held and strengthen herself with positive thoughts and affirmations that will help her to cross those shady tunnels. Let her candle of determination make a way out to see the sunshine.

She knew her potential but somehow after two decades invested in her family, made her a good homemaker but dipped her confidence to step in the shoes of an entrepreneur. Even though venturing in that was making her jittery, but those tiny creatures gave a big message of believing in self and how to manage trimming down the weeds /predators synonymous to obstacles on the path that leads to your goal.  She also understood that one must be conscientious and instead create a symbiotic relationship with foes. Rishita recognized that her anxieties and apprehensions are like alarms to alert her and she has to overcome them.  She thanked the small green friend that melted her fear iceberg and made her feel relaxed and energetic and sorted to make a new beginning of life.   

If we see around our Nature is the biggest teacher and every little life has a story to tell and inspire. Let’s feel the closeness to nature and be mindful and learn from God’s most beautiful creation.

Like wildflowers; you must allow yourself to grow in all the places people thought you never would. – E.V.

DECLUTTER YOUR LIFE

“Minimalism isn’t about removing the things you love. It’s about removing the things that distract you from the things you love.”                                                                        

–          Joshua Becker

It was the weekend, and there was nothing very exciting happening that evening. Shivani was bored and could not think of anything to busy herself. Suddenly she got an idea to rearrange her room. Though doing it all alone was tricky, yet she started. From the time she shifted to this apartment which was almost a decade not much was done in the room. But from the last few days, she was realizing that the room looked overstuffed, and finding anything was becoming a chore. Though she tried her best in keeping things in place, yet the room looked messy. Probably it required deep cleaning which Shivani was avoiding for a long. Cleaning it was appearing scary to her and from where a next challenge. But today she was determined to make it. It was her space, and no one can clear the mess that was around. Surely it was affecting her peace of mind.

Finally, she opened the almirah and felt jittery when a mountain of clothes started tumbling down on her head. Though it was nothing new as for quite a long time it was happening. She had been shutting her eyes like a small child. It was annoying and upsetting her yet ignoring it probably due to lack of motivation and time. Shutting the doors hard was her escape. But today like a spectator she watched clothes plunging down, wondering how much it had. It was an eye-opener and a realization “what a binge shopper she was”. That heap contained many things and clothes that were rarely worn or used. All of these were mingled with things/clothes that were important or favorite. On whole, it was messy and in fact making her feel heavy not in her almirah but also in her heart and mind.  

Mind Store

For the last few months managing the mismanagement was a chore and creating chaos in her routine consuming a lot of energy and time in finding the missing. Literally, it was like a treasure hunt. On that very evening after clearing the mess she took a pledge to follow the principle of minimal and regular cleaning of her belongings. It was an aghast experience for her. All unused and scrap that was taken out made her feel lighter and happy.   

It is not about an almirah symbolically if we think the same goes with our mind as well. The mind is also like storage that stores all our thoughts, worries, insecurities, anxieties, fears, experiences, memories, desires, doubts, etc. and the list is endless.  We keep on accumulating positive and negative thoughts in our minds daily. The storage capacity of it is mostly occupied with the ones that are unproductive or negative. Very little space is kept for good memories, achievements, gratitude, positive thoughts, and learnings. They factually get a miss among all the negative or demotivating thoughts. The icing on the cake is that our overthinking and negative thoughts shadow the brighter side of things. Just like Shivani use to hunt for her favorite pair, we also struggle to find the good thoughts or right perspectives between crowd of thoughts in mind.

In fact, on the humor side, I feel our overthinking is synonymous with binge shopping. The way many of us keep on buying things/clothes and stuff them in the wardrobe and seldom discarding the older ones, the same is with our thoughts. We keep them in our minds and over a period dwell on them. Rarely we “Filter Out” or “Let Go” them. They keep on piling in the corner of the mind that gradually creates a web of negative or sad thoughts. Within no time they start overpowering and distracting our positive side and we may face issues like confusion, lack of confidence, lack of clarity, poor concentration, dissatisfaction, depression, etc.  

How to declutter your mind |

Cleaning the room and removing the unused or old stuff gave a fresh and tranquil feeling to Shivani, similarly, decluttering our negative or unproductive thoughts can bring in a meditative, contended, and happy feeling to our souls. Instead of brooding or stacking them on the shelves of the mind, it is better to recycle and yield something new out of it. It means to introspect and learn what those negative thoughts/ experiences are trying to tell us. Let us redirect ourselves and discover the hidden pointers and new paths in the pool of unwanted or unproductive thoughts and it will be a sure surprise that was beyond our conscious mind. Unfold those new dimensions that gets lost in the middle of those clustered thoughts.

Try to be the observer of thoughts that are undesirable. Follow the principle of keeping minimal, it is just like doing window shopping and yet shopping wisely. It will not only make our wardrobe look more organized and sorted also will save time and energy. Similarly, we can window shop our thoughts and buying/ selecting the ones that are important or valuable and discarding the rest. Do not let them make a space or overshadow useful or productive thoughts. Expressing Gratitude and making it a part of our day-to-day life also helps to broom out the detrimental or undesirable thoughts thereby enhancing the process of making craftier choices in opting new beliefs. The lesser the space for unproductive thoughts the more serene and beautiful our life will be. Practice, Patience, and Persistence can help to transform those thoughts into learnings and adopting an optimist approach towards life. Practicing meditation and mindfulness also helps in uncluttering and structuring the thoughts thereby fostering peace and harmony within mind and body. With time the patience will come, and we will not be fiddling with those thoughts, and with persistence or diligence, it can be achieved.

So, let us start Reframing and give a new makeover to our old perceptions and beliefs and transfiguring them into the ones that are more expedient and nurturing. 

REDEFINE YOUR PAIN

To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.

– Friedrich Nietzsche

 Gaurvi and Raghav were married for the last 8yrs. They were blessed with a sweet little angel Ayesha, 6year old. On her birth, they had a big celebration, Ayesha looked like a princess and had a beautiful, dimpled smile. Everything was perfect and happy all around. Time was flying and little Ayesha was blossoming like a rose, but thorns are also part of flower. With time Gaurvi started realizing that Ayesha was different from other kids of her age. She could feel that Ayesha was facing challenges in her speech and other milestones. She was slow in them. Yet never in her mind something odd struck. However, when in playschool, the teachers also gave an alert the parents immediately got worried and rushed for professional help. On consultation with the pediatric and other specialists, it came to light that Ayesha was a differently-abled child. She was falling in the Autism spectrum. The parents were in shock as never in their dreams they could have thought about this, everything during pregnancy and delivery was normal then how come this happened. This statement was constantly hitting them and making the situation worse. They were in complete denial and had outbursts of emotions on each other. They were feeling shattered and nothing around seem to console them. A year has passed, but now their every day is filled with mental agony and challenges. Their pain has overpowered the love and empathy that Ayesha deserves. Both parents are trying hard to accept the reality, yet they are suffering in a way that has no antidote.

We all can understand that when we are part of these painful realities of life, or when our loved ones have a brush with it, they are like the life turning points. From there, everything changes, the life may appear standstill. The mind and future appear to be gloomy and more than finding a way out, the challenge is more to first accept that it has happened, and we are part of it. There is a constant tussle in mind and life, Why Me? Literally, these situations are the testing times of the boundaries that we set for our life. The more the non-acceptance of the pain the more we suffer.

Pain is multidimensional, it is not only about physical suffering or discomfort caused due to injury or illness, but it can also be in the form of acute mental or emotional discomfort. Whenever we experience physical discomfort or pain, we do try to remedy it out, but, when we suffer emotional discomfort, instead of addressing it, we most of the time avoid it or find an escape. Somehow, we tend to focus on ways that only drives it. Like for example, getting caught in the vicious cycle of complaining or ruminating about the pain; many times, people also use drugs, alcohol, smoking, etc. to find temporary relief.

These are all short cuts that we usually embrace to dwell on our pain. Pain gives birth to suffering. The way we react to hurt (pain), decides on our intensity of suffering. Pain is inevitable and accidental or maybe like a close companion of life. It only depends on situation that how we perceive it, like for example a mother undergoes a hell like labor pain while giving birth to child but as the first cry of child comes, all the pain vanishes. The mother opts happiness and joy over the suffering she went through in the labor room. But if the child is diagnosed with some irreversible sickness, now, how she will choose to respond to it over a period, decides the suffering. Like in the above story, the couple chose anger, misery, and grief over the steps that could be taken up to explore and develop the other qualities that the child may possess.

Even our very renowned scientist Einstein, in his formative years was discouraged by his schoolteachers. But his mother, did not give up or fell into the trap of negative emotions. Rather she took it as a challenge and today we cannot deny his contribution to science and to the basic life ease that he invented. Had her mother given up or opted of a way that only worsened her suffering the world would have been far behind in day-to-day small technology. Whenever we chose to silence our sufferings it may then eventually develop into either psychosomatic or chronic illnesses like migraine, cervical, hormonal disturbances or anger, sadness, anxiety, crying outbursts etc. all these are manifestations of emotional pain.

Managing emotional pain is a slow process and a journey where we gradually learn how to balance between our emotions and expectations. The expectations that are all about our desires/ wishes. When those expectation does not get fulfilled, then we get a shock of our life. It aches our heart and we suffer. The mantra to happy life is to keep on resetting the emotions when expectations are not met else the suffering will be beyond healing. It will not even then let us cherish the small moments. Like it can be said that the pain we experience is like weeds in the garden of life and it is purely the decision of the caretaker of that garden that how he will use those weeds. Whether he convert the weeds (i.e., pain) into manure that can create a rich harvest, or he let them be like an overgrown wilderness that may eventually overwhelm his life with unhappiness and soreness.

So, it will be more helpful if we try and adopt an outlook that can lessen the intensity of pain. Pain results in suffering and the more we cling to pain the more we suffer. Suffering is a by-product of our pain and our mind manufactures it. The good thing is that we can manage the manufacturing of emotions that are making us feel worse day by day. For e.g., Many couples constantly keep on complaining about each other and usually have the habit of recalling the past incidents that were painful and they still ache. Those heartache moments are the triggers for fuming the fire in present. Separation in relationships is the result of keeping that pain alive in mind and piling it like a heap of stones.

For having a lighter heart and better life, it will be better to have an open mind for readjusting the frame of thoughts. Suffering remains in our mind, that never let the pain get healed. It creates negative emotions that may create a havoc in our life. But we can learn to cease them choosing a mindset that will help to give a new direction to the painful experiences. We do not have to let our grief (pain) become in charge of our emotions making us angry or sad and neither must expend negative emotional energy trying to avoid it.

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A NEW PERSPECTIVE

Observing emotional pain is like learning a skill, as we go through different painful situations and experiences, we learn to go deeper into analyzing our reflexes for it whether to make the suffering more fruitful or distressful.

Pain and suffering led me to God and God led me to the stronger version of me.

  • Princy Prince